Water. Curly hair needs moisture. It’s thirsty like an alcoholic.
Upside Down. Fold yourself into a 7° angle. Because curly hair can’t be washed like straight hair. How dare you. Curly hair will be bathed in a manner that plumps. A manner that volumizes. Curly hair doesn’t care if the blood pooling in your brain causes hemorrhages. Curly hair wants. Curly hair gets.
Shampoo. NO SHAMPOO! Never shampoo. Curly hair must not hear you speak of the sham. Must not hear you speak of the poo.
Conditioner. Sweet ambrosia of the gods. The credit to my card. The cookie to my monster. Massage conditioner in. Gentle. Slow. Slower. Lightly rub. Squish to condish. Squish. Swirl. Rub. Swirl. Slick. Coat it. Faster. Squish. Coat it good. Roots to ends. Faster. Roots to ends. FASTER. Roots to endsRoots to endsRoots to endsRoots to endsCONDISH! Curly hair allows you to gasp. Once.
Allow conditioner to set for 5 or 284 minutes. Curly hair grants you this time to attend to other bodily maintenance. Provided you remain upside down.
Rinse. Water temperature should be 104.6520841374°.
Protein treatment. Prior to washing, curly hair tracked a baboon and spiral cut it flesh to spine. You will wrap its carcass around your head while the blood seeps into the curls. Intensifying. Fortifying. Defrizzing.
Leave-in conditioner. This is different than conditioner. This is leave-in conditioner. It is a different bottle. A different brand. A different non-sulphate non-paraben non-ammonium thioglycolate non-propylene glycol and fragrance free formula. Curly hair will not be satisfied without it and curly hair will know if you cheat. It. Will. Know.
Gel. The amount of plenty is favorable. The amount of a lot is too much. Curly hair requires a hold stiff enough that coffee wants to drink it but not so stiff that Pornhub wants to share it. To apply:
Remove the lid from the bottle and stick one finger (the long one) in. Squidge it around. Continue squidging until your finger feels like it cleared a hole in the packed nose of a sick moose.
Cordially introduce your gel coated finger to one curl by bending your finger in a deep bow and asking the curl if you might have the honor of this dance.
If the curl accepts the invitation, it will reach out and coil itself around the finger, gripping with the strength of 1,000 weird uncle hugs.
Once the curl has ingested its fill of gel, it will spring up, bouncing and bobbing, twirling and twisting.
As it springs, you must cheer the word, ‘Boing!’
Repeat for each curl.
Plop. Grab the microfiber towel Michael Jordan used after Game 5 of the 1989 NBA Finals and cradle your curls. Let them rest. Play soft music. The kind plants like. You may unfold your body, but make no other movements for 12 minutes. Use this time to think about what you could have done to better serve curly hair.
Unplop. Remove the damp towel and carefully shake out the curls. Find the super soft and comfy cotton t-shirt your partner wanted to wear but couldn’t because you stole it, and scrunch your curls, removing excess water. Strategically position your tendrils so each has room to plump.
Drying. Air drying will cause curly hair to frizz in anger because curly hair wanted you to diffuse. Diffusing will cause curly hair to frizz in anger because curly hair wanted you to air dry.
Finish. Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES shall you touch curly hair. Only worship from afar.