At some point during your childhood, you may have taken a break from counting your lucky stars to wonder why we, your loving parents, don’t set as many limits on your screen time as your friends’ parents do.
It’s like this, kids. Certain things can only be done while you’re distracted, and when you’re on that device, you’d be oblivious to a tornado flinging our house to Oz. Among our accomplishments:
1. Relocating your less-brilliant school artwork into the trash can, strategically buried beneath junk mail, empty juice boxes, and used coffee filters just in case. I mourn the trees that gave up their lives for your education, but at some point their corpses must go to their garbage graves.
2. Running to the bank for money to loan to the Tooth Fairy. That silly pixie is always short on cash. She’d totally pay for those teeth using Venmo or app store credits if she could.
3. Napping, particularly after going three rounds with robust whiskeys the previous evening.
4. Bitching about how bitchy you were that day. Toddlers are assholes, even toddlers spawned by Trixie McPerfectParent. We parents need to get things off our chests.
5. Sneaking off to the bedroom for some private time. You’ll understand what that means when you’re old enough to interpret the lyrics to Ariana Grande’s “Side to Side” (the real version, not the sanitized “Just Dance” version on the Xbox). We’ve known since college how to avoid being walked in on. Back then, it was a tie on the doorknob; nowadays, it’s Minecraft.
6. Eating the last of the Nutella, plus a few Three Musketeers bars out of your Halloween candy. (Oh, come on. You don’t even like Three Musketeers.)
7. Spending quality time with our own beloved devices, knowing we could read an entire article, play a whole game, or scroll through a feed uninterrupted by nosy questions like “Mommy, why does that man’s underwear only cover the middle of his butt?”
8. Culling your outgrown toys for donation, especially that talking Dora the Explorer doll that has been making Mommy stabby for the past five years.
9. Conducting top-secret negotiations with Santa and the Easter Bunny. Also, conspiring with relatives about what to get you for your birthday so that Auntie Lola doesn’t get you another one of those goddamn Dora the Explorer dolls.
10. Discussing whether you were having too much screen time. Concluding that you were having exactly enough.
Here’s your iPad, fresh off the charger. Have fun! Daddy and I will see you in an hour.