Modern Discrimination Practices

Hey there. Are you a hiring manager devastated by the recent supreme court ruling that will no longer allow you to discriminate based on sexual orientation? Has your entire hiring process been uprooted by calls for diversity, balanced representation, and now the latest nonsense legally forcing you to evaluate candidates based on their abilities and not who they might find attractive? Well, I’ve got good news for you; below is a list of totally legitimate reasons to discriminate against your employees.

  1. They talk on speakerphone in an open office – It’s usually not even a work-related call. No, I don’t want to hear you speak about a work matter that doesn’t pertain to me, but I especially don’t want to hear you argue with your spouse about dinner plans. Put the phone to your ear, keep your voice down, and let your marriage fall apart in private. We’ll know what you did for dinner when you bring the leftovers in tomorrow and leave the container out for the next six weeks.
  1. Their desk looks like a Jenga tower of empty cups and meeting handouts – If you don’t have the initiative to toss away an empty coffee cup that’s had a longer tenure at the company than most employees, maybe you’re not the type of person that should be representing the business. Remember, paper cups go in the trash, and your employee agreement goes in the shredder.
  1. They don’t clean the microwave – I don’t even know why you thought bringing spaghetti and meatballs to work for lunch was a good idea, or how you managed to evenly spread the meatsauce across the entire inner wall of the microwave, but you need to take care of it. I’m heating up this tea and I would like it to not include tomato sauce droppings.
  1. They speak to people in the restroom – Look, I know my feedback on your  weekend plans is urgent, but maybe it can wait for–I don’t know–literally any other time. I think I can squeeze some time in during the nine hours we spend in the same room together today, or maybe the nine hours the next day or actually any single other weekday ever in which we are forced to be around each other. I’m actually only in this stall to avoid you, so please–the details of your cookout can be discussed when my clothes are on.
  1. They speak to people who have headphones on – The rule is this: until I sit down at my desk in the morning, I am not at work and cannot be spoken to. This includes the elevator. Also, when I leave for lunch, the same rules apply. This is hard for some people to understand, but headphones play noises directly into the ear, and if someone wanted to hear someone else, they wouldn’t put those headphones on. Now please stop tapping my shoulder; I’m fantasizing about winning the lottery and never coming back to this place.
  1. They ask people about their weekend plans on a Tuesday – Everyone knows the rules. Mondays and Tuesdays you ask people how their weekend was, Thursday and Friday you ask them what they’re going to do this weekend. On Wednesdays, you avoid eye contact, elevators, and any other small talk traps. If you can’t avoid it, reference the weather, mumble, “happy humpday” and pretend to get a call.
  1. They drum on their desk – It’s impossible to properly convey just how undesirable this is. You’re not in STOMP!, you’re in accounting. If you had the musical talent to make your pencil-on-desk beat worth listening to, you wouldn’t have had to become one with an Excel spreadsheet to make a living. turn the volume down on your headphones and you can either use those twitchy fingers to finish typing up that report or an updated cut of your resume. 

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