Sensei Merle On How To Defend Yourself When Your Girlfriend Tells You To Get A Job

There are many different ways to defend yourself when confronted by a significant other about getting a job, but the victim’s focus should not only be to deescalate the situation, but more importantly, to walk away with the victory while at the same time making the other party feel terrible about themselves for suggesting you pitch in in any way shape or form.

The attack will most likely come as a surprise, and it will kick off with your partner informing you that she wants to “have a serious conversation.” Take this as a threat, because that’s exactly how I took it when my now ex-girlfriend Emma did it to me. Not to worry though, as you will combat this with your own set of moves and properly defend yourself so that you may live to relax another day.

Sprint to a random room: it does not have to be a specific room, just a space where you can gather your thoughts and prepare for battle. Take this time to look in the mirror and hype yourself up. This can either be achieved by whispering inspirational quotes to yourself or by slapping your chest numerous times like gladiators did before battle. You can also howl just like I did to remind Emma that I was still a man despite what she said to me throughout our relationship.

Pretend you’re on a call: when your partner eventually enters your safe space, frantically pick up your phone and start talking. What you say is not important — instead, the key will be to hold up your index finger all while looking like you’re in a panic. This will thwart her next attack or distract her long enough that she will leave her attack for another day. My ex Emma didn’t, so if your girlfriend is persistent you may have to pull out more highly-skilled defensive moves.

Blame her mother: she may not have anything to do with this at all, but someone has to take the blame for your downfall and you certainly can’t blame yourself. Make sure to point out the fact that not only is she not a fan of you, but you clearly remember that she “scoffed” at you when you told her that you were in a “career transition.” I won’t ever forget that. If you’re confident in your defensive abilities, make sure to also blame her father for making fun of your weak handshake that one time on the porch. That is also seared into my brain.

Make promises you can’t keep: It is always smart to make your attacker feel like they’re in control, and the best way to do that is by confirming that you will be doing all you can to ease her concerns. Make numerous promises that you have no intention of keeping because you lack the “fortitude and intelligence.” Her exact words. Can you believe that? This should be enough to keep her at bay long enough that she forgets how little she thinks of you.

Cry: Plenty of grown men cry, and in your case you will sob. We will call this your secret weapon. No one wants to accost a man who is hyperventilating, so it is important to play-up the theatrics. Latch on to a phrase and continue to utter it while your face gets more and more moist, red, and pathetic. A statement like “I’m trying” or “It’s not my fault” should be enough to successfully defend yourself. At the very least you will gain plenty of pity from the woman who once agreed to sleep with you. I remember those days.

Curl up in a ball and ignore the world: This final move takes an extreme level of focus and dedication. Once you are confronted and scolded about your lack of contributions to society, drop down, cradle your knees and shut yourself off from anything occurring around you. I myself have done this and was so focused I spent days on the floor. God I miss you, Emma.

Good luck, and remember to tell them Sensei Merle sent you.

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