If I’ve heard it once, I’ve heard it a thousand times: ‘Shouldn’t I just be myself around my man? Won’t he just love me for me?’
The answer to that is a loud, resounding no, followed by peals of laughter at your expense. Wake up, Buttercup. Men-folk like certain things. And by ‘certain things’ I mean hot, sexy girls. And yes, it’s tricky now with the planet plunged into chaos to find your groove thing. It’s tricky, but not impossible. It can be difficult to concern yourself with bikini lines, pore size and a perky spirit when your very existence hangs in the balance. But come on. Those eyebrows aren’t going to pluck themselves, and your man deserves the best in these trying times.
Pandemic or not, men are still counting on us to excite and arouse them. You cannot allow something as trivial as world destruction to get in the way of being a desirable woman. If you don’t step it up, your beloved will leave you for someone smokin’ AF, and more willing to endure electrolysis. That’s just math.
1. Ditch the boring mask.
If I see one more plain, black mask I’m going to scream! Ladies, with all the choices out there WHY in God’s name would you choose something so humdrum. Now is the time to experiment with your glue gun, glitter and macaroni. And not elbow macaroni! Pullleease. Go for the Fettucine! Nothing says sexy like long, hard, yellow pasta hanging near your mouth. It’s an attention getter for sure. Have Fun!
2. Scented sanitizer. Not just for your hands.
There’s no reason you can’t take some liberties with your Purell and make yourself feel fresh and clean… everywhere. No one likes a vagina with germs in it. Men especially don’t enjoy a germy vagina. Just think how pleased your man will be when he goes down to please you and is greeted with an 80% ethyl alcohol aroma. Nothing says orgasm like a squeaky-clean lady part. And when I say orgasm, I mean his. (Yours takes too long.)
3. Bye-bye sweats, hello skin-tight jeans
No man likes seeing a woman in sweat-pants, looking comfortable and happy. Are you attending a 10-year-olds sleepover? No? Then it’s time to slip into something binding, restrictive and red. The test should be if you feel like you might pass out or throw up…then you’re on the right track! And it doesn’t matter that you’ll be seeing no one but him. He will feel special and appreciated. But don’t expect him to change his clothes. That’s just crazy talk.
4. Only eat carrots.
Now is the perfect time to lose a few of those pesky pounds. By only eating carrots you not only get veggies everyday BUT you also start turning a lovely shade of orange as a side effect. Instant blush! If carrots aren’t your thing, then feel free to substitute broccoli or cucumber. Cucumbers are also great for sexy eating. This is eating not to fuel your body, but to make your man hot. If you go this route make sure you pick a large cucumber. I made the mistake of picking the Persian variety the first time I tried this. Big mistake or shall I say little, tiny mistake. It did not go well. Please only buy 1 vegetable at a time. Men don’t like hoarders.
5. Wear stilettos all day.
My feet haven’t felt good in 23 years. No matter. Walking around all day in 6 inch heels may seem insane, but you can’t beat the attention I get from men when I’m walking the dog or buying Lysol wipes. And don’t take them off when you get home, for goodness sake! If you’re going to show off the goods while running essential errands, your man deserves a private show as well.
6. Role play.
This is the perfect time to try out the hospital patient/hot doctor scenario. You’ve got the gloves and thermometer. What else are you going to use them for?! You could also pretend to be someone from Europe (France, that’s sexy) who doesn’t know where to buy face shields in America. Grrrrrr. Just make sure not to get “too political.” Men don’t like that.
7. Pretend to not understand the news.
Men love explaining things to women. As soon as a graph about COVID pops up on your screen, turn to your man and say, “Uh?” An added sexy touch might be to touch your lower lip with your index finger (sanitize it first), but it’s your choice. It has to feel organic. Remember, give him a long hug once you ‘understand’ what he just said. And it’s always nice to end it with, “You’re so smart, honey.” But again, it’s your choice.
If this all seems like too much, I completely understand. It’s a stressful time. When it all starts to get to you…COVID, social justice, climate change, HBO Max, just remember that your man has it much, much worse.
Now go get some rest. Those bags under your eyes aren’t going to disappear by magic.