I’m Your Platonic Male Friend And I Think You Should Get Back Out There

You and Brice broke up?!

I’m not sorry to hear that. 

I have to be honest, because I know that’s an attractive quality to you. And honestly, I knew you and Brice wouldn’t last. You need someone who — in my opinion — has had a crush on you since freshman year of college and shares an inside joke with your mom.

I think you should get back out there!

It might not be easy at first, but on the other hand, maybe it will feel like it was meant to be all along. All I know is that you deserve to be with someone. And not someone like Brice — who was rich and great at sex — but a middle school Theater teacher who’s always down for ice-cream-and-pajama nights.

Besides, Brice was a real jerk. Remember how he freaked out on Valentine’s Day? All I did was come to your apartment and hand you a dozen roses while a curated group of my most talented students sang “My Girl” a capella by candlelight. 

That’s tradition, I’ve been doing it for years! 

I just want you to know that I care about you. I’m your buddy, your pal, your amigo, and I love you — however you want to interpret that. I’ll always be here for you, for better or for worse. For richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health. Until death due us part.

Because you’re my friend. 

My best friend. And I want to spend the rest of my life with my best friend!

You just have to promise me you’ll get back out there, OK?

Oh, you should set up a dating profile! Let the world know that you’re looking for the chimney sweep to your Mary Poppins — like our costumes last Halloween. Remember how crazy that was because we hadn’t “planned it”?

You look so happy in that picture. 

That’s what I want most for you: to be happy. And I think that will happen when you find someone who sings Disney duets with you at karaoke night and reminds you of your little brother.

You’re going to get back out there eventually, any minute. Even right now. How about we hop on the couch in our pajamas, eat a pint of Mint Chocolate Chip and…

…have sex?

Wow!

You look so beautiful when you’re angry… 

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