I’m A Jeep Owner, And No, I’m Not In A Cult

Hey, neighbor! Nice looking Tommy Bahama polo you have on there. I couldn’t help but overhear your wife screaming you’re stressed and approaching a mid-life crisis. I know this is going to sound forward, but you remind me a lot of myself ten years ago, right before I bought my first Jeep. Back then, I was just like you, and had no idea what I was getting into. But when I got to know the good people who meet at the North Heights Jeep dealership parking lot, that’s when I knew I had found my clan. If you want to take the edge off and learn more about how to pursue an adventurous lifestyle, you’re more than welcome to come along for a test drive in my Wrangler with–what? No, I’m not trying to recruit you for a cult. If I was recruiting you for a cult, would I have rolled down all the soft-top windows for everyone to see us? Hop in!

Actually, the Jeep community is the furthest thing from a cult. Some of those Satanic cults want to restore a new world order, but we’re so much more friendlier! In fact, one of my favorite Jeep traditions is a gesture so small, yet so empowering. Everytime you see a fellow Jeep driver on the road, you must perform a Jeep wave back to the other Jeep driver. Can I ask then, what’s so harmful about a Jeep wave? There’s been more evil salutes in history! We’re just a couple of fellow Jeep drivers saluting a fellow comrade to instill a sacred bond. A bond that signifies my willingness to lay down my life for that person’s Jeep and vice versa. Now does that sound cultish? 

Another thing people don’t seem to understand is the pride I have for my Jeep. Yes, I take thousands of pictures of my Jeep for Facebook, but that just comes with the territory of owning a Jeep. The photos make me feel connected to my community. Do the photos take up all the memory on my phone, as well as in my brain? Yes. Has the time invested in taking all these photos left me no time to pursue other interests? Sure. Does continuously viewing the photos distract me from my day job and even caused me to be fired from my brain surgeon practice as a result of it? Also true. But if it’s part of the Jeep culture and spreads the magnificence of the Jeep, then I’m going to do it. Does that sound like something a brainwashed person would do? No.

Now I’ll admit, Jeeps have pretty bad gas mileage from the naked eye. But what it lacks in gas mileage, it doesn’t matter. No matter how much gasoline Jeep owners use, we know we are pure, superior people to all those other pussy hybrids. That’s what Lord Michael Manley, CEO of Fiat Chrysler who owns Jeep said. There’s something about him that is so mesmerizing. His keynotes hold your attention the entire time, so you know he’s special. Lord Michael got me through a really dark time in my life. I was committing lots of sins, but the worst thing I was doing was driving a 2006 Toyota Prius. Lord Michael took me in as a stakeholder of Jeep and showed me what it was like to be a real man who drove a car with lackluster miles per gallon. I joined the Jeep life the second I heard about the 0% APR for 72 months deal that wouldn’t last long and I never looked back. But it’s not a cult, it’s a car I live in because a charming businessman from England told me to. Is that a cult to you? 

It’s clear that I’ve made some pretty big personal decisions regarding the car I drive and my life. Lord Michael told us at the Q2 Earnings Call that to save costs, we were going to have to cut all contact from non-Jeep owners in our family. It wasn’t an easy decision to stop talking to my wife and two kids, but I have to do what’s best for the company, not my family. Non-Jeep owners are replaceable. Replaceable with more Jeeps. As I sped away from my family and did one final Jeep wave, I knew my life was an open road. Even so, the financial commitment wasn’t as bad as you think, as Jeep is now offering no monthly payments for 120 days for a limited time. Cult members don’t know what a bargain is. 

And back into the driveway we go. How did you enjoy the ride? I hope you see now the Jeep community is nowhere near a cult. Oh, before I forget–if you’re interested, me and a few other prospective Jeep owners like yourself were going next weekend to the Jeep Jamboree. No need to pack any clothes, we’ll provide you a special Jeep robe. For now, I’ll leave you with some reading material to do before next weekend, my 2015 Jeep Wrangler owner’s manual. I also threw in a copy of Lord Michael’s last webinar for your viewing pleasures. Now, go ahead and enjoy a nice family dinner with your wife and kids–if you need me, I’ll be out here in my Jeep.

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