Why You Should Allow Me, Gregor Samsa, Into Your Covid-19 Pod

As told to Patricia Lawler Kenet

I get it. We’re all going through a lot of changes during this pandemic. And, OK, my Metamorphosis is a bit extreme, not to mention the unwanted publicity that comes with being a character in a seminal work of 20th Century Western literature. But, I am truly a low key guy.

And maybe you think you already have enough personalities in your pod. But what about one more? I’m no trouble to have around, despite what you might have heard from some of my family members. They happen to be a little “judgey” about the way I look, like that should matter during a once-in-a generation crisis. 

Here are some of my standout qualities that make me an excellent pod member: I’m quiet, some people have said eerily so. Whatever. I literally eat anything. Leftovers are a favorite of mine. My sister Grete once called me a living compost–orange peels, corn husks, stale popcorn, flat beer–it all works. Number two, I’m shy, but in a good way. You’ll most likely find me in a corner at gatherings. It actually wouldn’t be too off the mark to call me a wallflower of sorts. I’m sensitive to light and would rather wait until the crowd disperses before I make my way into the kitchen. 

Financially, I used to be the sole supporter of my family until I got hit with a few existential curve balls. No need to go into detail about that just yet. I’m still kind of figuring it all out myself.  Let’s just say when you get mixed up with someone who is super focused on human alienation and  the inevitable drift toward fatality, things can go awry. But I’m staying positive!

I’m a safe bet for a Covid-19 pod because I’m not the social type, so you don’t have to worry about me “cheating” on you guys. I keep to myself for the most part. And hey, if you need a reference, my family goes way way back in New York City. I literally have hundreds of cousins who could vouch for me. And I’m totally OK with wearing a mask!

As far as my immune system goes, check this out–I have been known to withstand 6300 rads of radiation without a hitch to my system. Moreover, my twin brother survived for three weeks without his head. (R.I.P. Reggie.) So, do you think this Covid-19 crap is going to do me any harm? 

I know you’re looking for a reason to reject me. Nobody’s perfect, right? I’ll admit I do like to spend a lot of time in the bathroom, really enjoy just hanging out in the tub or shower stall thinking my dumb thoughts. And, truth be told, I’m not the neatest creature in the world. On the plus side, I’m not averse to eating my own feces. How’s that for a sustainable lifestyle? Besides, I’m not looking for a long-term commitment as I have a one-year lifespan, tops.

I think you guys are super chill. I have a flexible move-in date. I believe from a DNA perspective, we have way more in common than you might think. Let’s not get hung up on superficial things like exoskeletons and consider how much fun we can have together. I, for one, want to make the best of a bad situation. Give me a chance and I’ll come running.

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