Alvin And The Chipmunks’ Christmas Song The Year After Alvin Died

INT. DAVE’S MUSIC ROOM

Dave plays a familiar Christmas tune on the piano. 

DAVE: All right you chipmunks, ready to sing your song?

SIMON: I’ll say we are!

THEODORE: Yeah! Let’s sing it now!

DAVE: Okay, Simon?

SIMON: Okay!

DAVE: Okay, Theodore?

THEODORE: Okay!

DAVE: Okay, Alvin? Alvin? Alvin!

The piano playing stops.

DAVE: Alvin????!!!! ALVIN!!!!!!!!!!

SIMON: Dave, calm down. He’s gone. 

THEODORE: He loved you very much.

Dave searches the house in a frenzy. 

DAVE: Oh, Allllviiiin! I know you’re around here somewhere little guy! Where’s my all singing, all burrowing buddy?! Always hiding!! Olly olly oxen free!!!!

THEODORE: He’s not hiding. Alvin passed on. Remember the burial? The dove release like he wanted? The bagpipes, the 21 gun salute? It was televised.

SIMON: Let him go. If this is how he needs to heal then so be it. 

DAVE: Alvin?! There you are!

Dave picks up a decorative pinecone. 

DAVE: I knew I’d find my tiny troublemaker.

THEODORE: I can’t stand by and watch this. David, we’re going to get you help. You need grief counseling.

DAVE: C’mon!!! Let’s do the song!!!! Gang’s all here!!!!!!

SIMON: I think I’m gonna be sick. 

Dave plays the piano. 

DAVE: All right you chipmunks, ready to sing your song?!?!

Simon and Theodore cower behind a coffee mug. 

DAVE: I said, ALL RIGHT YOU CHIPMUNKS, READY TO SING YOUR SONG?!?!?

Dave throws the mug at the wall, exploding into ceramic dust. 

SIMON: I-I’ll say we are!

THEODORE: Yeah yeah, let’s sing now!

DAVE: Okay, Simon?!

SIMON: Okay…

DAVE: Okay, Theodore?!

THEODORE: Uh huh.

DAVE: Okay, Alvin?

Dave glares at the pinecone.

DAVE: I can’t hear you! Okay, Alvin?!

Dave grabs the pinecone and puts it against his ear.

DAVE: You gotta speak up little buddy or we’ll have to start from the top! OKAY, ALVIN?! 

Dave mashes the pinecone against his head. 

DAVE: ALVIN?!?! ALVIN?!?!?! ALVIIIIIIIINNNNNN!!!!!!!!!

Dave collapses into a sobbing mess. The chipmunks crawl to Dave’s side.

SIMON/THEODORE: Dave?

DAVE (garbled): Go away.

THEODORE: Simon and I were just discussing the possibility of you talking with Alvin. 

SIMON: We were thinking maybe you guys can talk it out now that he’s here. You know, man to chipmunk.

DAVE: Well, I wish I apologized for the fight we had the night you died. I was stressed about those Soundcloud scammers pitching up the vocal tracks on radio songs and marketing them as AATC originals. When you told me you were leaving for good to become feral, I shouldn’t have said what I said. Whatever it was about hoping you’d end up on the endangered species list so you’d have no choice but to reproduce with your offspring. 

THEODORE: Jesus Christ.

SIMON: Shhh! Please. Continue.

DAVE: When I got the call that you were abducted by some deranged superfan and taxidermied into a replica of The Birth of Venus, I was devastated. I always heard your high-pitched voice—who could get it out of their heads—but I never heard you out. It was my fault. I’m sorry.

SIMON: He said he wants you to know that he forgives you. He is at peace now. 

DAVE: You can hear him?

THEODORE: Well, uh, only we can. 

SIMON: Yeah, the frequency of his voice is higher now because he’s a ghost. 

DAVE: That makes sense. 

Theodore and Simon wipe their brows.

DAVE: Can you please tell him that I love him and miss him every day?

THEODORE: We didn’t say he can’t hear you, we said he–

SIMON: He says he loves you too and there’s plenty of acorns in heaven. 

DAVE: Good, good. Hey, ask him if he remembers the time we signed that recording contract where we split 80% of the royalties and the rest of it went to Simon and Theodore. Those were the days.

SIMON: What the f–I mean…he says he’s not sure which “days” those were.

THEODORE: He says he doesn’t remember.

DAVE: What? He oughta. I busted my hump to get that deal. 

SIMON: He says he would never agree to that.

THEODORE: He says he’s not at peace anymore either because of what you just told him.

DAVE: No?! Why?! 

THEODORE: He says it’s getting late.

SIMON: He says he really should be going.

DAVE: Wait, don’t go!

SIMON: He says he’s putting on his jacket. He says he’s looking for his keys.

DAVE: Okay, okay. How ‘bout 60%?

THEODORE: He says higher or his soul rots. 

DAVE: Best I can do is 72.5%. 

SIMON: He says he found his keys. 

DAVE: My hands are tied!

SIMON: He says do you see your face on those record covers? 

DAVE: I don’t have the authorization!

THEODORE: He says he wasn’t born yesterday. He died yesterday and is rolling in his grave today. His words not mine.

SIMON: He says kick in a development deal for Simon. A spinoff series. You know, so he can be put to heavenly rest. 

Dave thinks.

DAVE: All right you chipmunks. But can I just say one thing?

THEODORE: He says the floor is yours.

DAVE: I…love you guys.

Simon and Theodore look at eachother.

THEODORE: He says he’ll be in touch. 

SIMON: He says call the lawyers to arrange a seance for more details.

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