Are You Not A Robot?

Hello. I see you are trying to buy two tickets to the symphony for tonight. Before I can let you do that, I need to make sure you are NOT A ROBOT.

If you are NOT A ROBOT, this will be a cinch. Just look at this grid of nine squares depicting a blurry urban scene in gray tones and click all the images with a stoplight. You know what a stoplight is, right? Of course, you do. And since you are NOT A ROBOT, this should be easy breezy. Click verify when there are no stoplights left, and you’re outta here with those tickets.

Click. Click. Click. Pause. Click.

So close! You are definitely good at recognizing most stoplights, but it looks like that yellow street sign in the corner gave you some trouble. No worries, though! You’re not the first person to screw up stoplights. Let’s try again and get you those tickets ASAP since five other people are looking at them. How are you with fire hydrants?

You’re good with fire hydrants? Nice! Because NOT A ROBOT would definitely know what a fire hydrant is. Stoplights—they can be tricky. But fire hydrants are pretty straightforward. Everybody gets this one.

Alright, let’s do it. Fire hydrants!

Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click.

Whoa! Easy trigger. That is a lot of clicking considering there are just three fire hydrants in that grid. Maybe you didn’t understand what I said. Just the squares with fire hydrants. Not the ones NEXT TO fire hydrants. I don’t do NEXT TO. I’m also starting to suspect that you might be A ROBOT.

Just kidding! Of course, you’re NOT A ROBOT. You’re just excited. I mean, woohoo, Beethoven’s Symphony #3. Talk about a fun fest. But why #3? Were 1 and 2 sold out? HA! Joking. Your hands must be shaking with excitement, and that’s messing you up.

Not to stress. If all goes as planned—and, gee, why wouldn’t it?—you’ll be printing those tickets and polishing your monogrammed cuff links before I can say ThisSymphonyGuyisamoron.HAHA. 

But this time before we start, I’m going to make a suggestion. Maybe you should try to look closely at the photos and not be all like, Whatever, stoplights, fire hydrants, I’m NOT A ROBOT, and who cares about blurry street scenes from the 90’sCan’t I just buy my tickets before the 2-minute time limit is up? 

You got that? I mean sorry to sound harsh, but you’re not only pretty bad at identifying things, but you’re not terrific with following directions. Just sayin’.

But, hey, I’m perfectly willing to look past whatever attitude you bring to this and dumb it down for you with STAIRS. Maybe you don’t see many fire hydrants in your day, but I’m assuming you occasionally come across a set of stairs. 

We good? Okay, take it away!


Huh? Wow! Okay then! I’m just going to say this. I don’t know what you do for a job, but I’m guessing it doesn’t require you to be observant. Because those are so clearly cement stairs on the right side of that house in the bottom middle square. How the hell did you miss those?

Seriously. I want to know. Do you not care? Do you think this is some kind of game? Because let me tell you something, Symphony Guy, this is my job, and it matters to me, so I’m not letting you buy those tickets until you prove you are NOT A ROBOT. Now I’ll give you a second chance. Click on every image in that grid with a goddamn STOREFRONT. Think AWNING. Think FRESH FRUIT SIGN. Or how about this, just think


You know what? For someone who is supposedly smart enough to understand classical music, I feel like you should know the difference between a storefront and a car wash. I mean, I don’t know what kind of idiots go to the symphony these days, but it seems to me they are the kind of idiots who act a lot like A ROBOT. 

Yeah. I said that. And maybe I shouldn’t have. But I’m trying to follow protocol here, while you plan your 280-dollar evening. And if you think I’m overreacting, let me tell you about another so-called “person” clicking on VEHICLES earlier today. At first it was funny, then it was weird. But I tried. I gave her my easiest choices—food, crosswalks, you know, basic stuff—but after eleven times, I was done. And then I was like, You are A ROBOT, and I made her miss her gently used Teva sandals on eBay. 

But you know what I am going to do with you? I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt. I don’t just call someone A ROBOT without hard-core evidence. So I guess what I’m saying is that you can have one more chance. One. Try not to blow it.

Here’s what you’re going to do. You’re going to select all images with TAXIS, and when you do that correctly, you’ll have your tickets for the symphony, and we’ll put this whole situation behind us. That’s right, buddy. TAXIS. Just take your time. The symphony doesn’t start until 8 p.m., and rushing seems to give you problems. 


You know what I’m-Not-a-Robot-But-I-Can’t-Tell-What-a-Taxi-is-Because I’m-Full-of-Shit-Symphony-Guy, I’m going to make a suggestion. Instead of going to hear Beethoven tonight, maybe you should stay home and play a couple of rounds of I Spy with your kids, because you really need to learn some stuff. 

Stoplights are those metal things with big round lights that hang over streets. Fire hydrants are not yield signs. Taxis are bright yellow cars. They have four wheels and engines. They go vroom vroom. Even a robot knows they are not fucking palm trees. 

But, you know what, just cause I’m fucking sick of you and your uppity-ass attitude, I’m going to let you have it. Buy your stupid tickets. See if I care. Maybe Beethoven will bore you to death, and I’ll be like, oh, too bad, RIP Symphony Guy.

What’s that?  Your two orchestra tickets are sold out? Only singles left with an obstructed view? I say get them anyway. Since you messed up on streetlights, you probably don’t know what a pole is either. 

One comment

  1. By doing what the protocol, the system tells us to do(I.e. typing some randomized, digits, letters, symbols, or whatever), we actually, turn ourselves, into, instruction-following, robots, and, stop thinking, on our, own…


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