I often get asked how I look so damn good. Whether posing by a pool or posing while out shopping
Well I am delighted to be able to share with my fans the secrets to health and how you can look as amazing as I do.
Working with my team of scientists, dieticians and former Bachelor “personal trainer” contestants to craft the ultimate health regime.
Follow these simple steps each day to get the PERFECT body! Like me!
Start the day with a superfood smoothie.
Kickstart your day with the smoothie that all Hollywood celebrities drink. No, it’s not our own bathwater–it’s the MMMusai MMMadness. It is made using the half-digested Musai berry, extracted from the anus of an endangered lemur, mixed with kale, activated almonds, three-month-old charcoal, valium and baby coconut water. And just a dash of love! Packed with energy, this is better than a coffee. And healthier! And more photogenic for your social media posts! MMM indeed.
Exercise Fad: Uniyoga!
With all the newfound energy its time for your morning workout. And why not try the exercise franchise sweeping the world: Uniyoga!?
Uniyoga! is yoga on a unicycle and is the new hot hit HIIT workout that will turn your flab into ab fab. Balancing on a unicycle is fantastic for the core, and what could be better than meditation in motion? Uniyoga! One-time won’t be enough.
Hydrate. Hydrate. Hydrate.
It’s essential to keep your fluids up so don’t forget water. While experts used to recommend 2 litres of water a day, research conducted by the Kardashian Clinic of Self Importance has discovered that 1 litre of water extracted from the tears of a Kardashian is the new recommended dose. Not Khloe, obviously, but any other Kardashian.
K2O is the way to go!
If you want to look good, you need to feel good. And that’s why its recommended to indulge yourself each morning. A relaxing soak in Minke whale semen is not only good for your skin but is estimated to add three years to your life. Look good. Feel good. Live forever. Or three years longer.
Lunch no more!
Lunch is so last year! To stay in shape and look like a movie star its time for a new meal: Hcnul. It’s lunch backwards! How does it work? Exactly like it sounds! If it has to be explained, then you’ve missed the point.
Sleep experts have found that you can lose weight when you sleep. Following the habits of the ultra-sleek leopard (have you ever seen a fat leopard? No you have NOT!) we recommend a nap in the nearest tree. You need to be at least twelve feet above the ground for the best results. And wear sunscreen–we don’t want your fresh whale semen skin to get harsh wrinkles. Just because a leopard has spots — doesn’t mean you have to!
After your tree nap, its time for a hot beverage to restore your chakra. Caffeine is evil — I mean look at Starbucks–so it’s tea time.
Using tea leaves handpicked from a Sri Lankan mountain by a former American Idol contestant and with a dash of milk from a hand raised Tibetan Yak that has only listened to Enya music, this delight really does put the T in Tea. Except the tea in this tea is silent. Obviously.
The new way to walk!
Walking on your feet is bad for you, medical research on Wikipedia shows, so the way to really look good is to only walk on your hands. This is great as it eases the pressure off your overworked feet. It takes time to build up the callouses in your hands to walk all day, so we recommended starting with just two hours of hand walking in your first week- but build up to ten hours of hand walking a day by the end of week 2. Show off your newfound Uniyoga! strength.
I Can’t Believe It’s Not Dinner
After a hard but productive day, its time for a healthy, hearty dinner. Sort of. Download our Gutburning Food of Instagram app and scroll through the daily top ten photos of my celebrity friends’ meals as chosen by our expert chefs and dieticians. You won’t be eating any of them. You won’t be eating anything at all, but the sensation of Instafood will nourish your heart and soul! Like!
I mean if all the above fails, it seems the only natural thing to do.