Because Zoom parties lack the intimacy of a get-together with rich conversation through plexiglass. 

Guests

As every party host and felon knows, “I didn’t know” is not an excuse for insider trading spreading contagion. Ensure all guests have the results of a recent nasal test to show you upon arrival. If they don’t, why not set up a DIY nasal-testing station? For a festive touch, add bluebird decals to your cotton-swab vials. 

Fragrances 

A dinner party without a signature scent is like breakfast without a Russian-imported samovar. My Purell-scented candles will leave your guests feeling like they’ve stepped into a disinfected subway car. (Visit my blog for a recipe on how to hand-dip candles, featuring additional scents like lavender/honey and citrus/bleach.)

Entertainment

A facemask decorating station is a must for any COVID-inspired dinner party. Presentation is critical, however. No guest wants to glue freshwater pearls and handmade silk tortoises onto a mask that’s been casually strewn on the mantle of your 18th-century fireplace like a common rag. Instead, place plain masks on the perch of your favorite birdhouse.

Beverages

Here’s my signature quarantini recipe:

6 parts vodka or gin
1 part vermouth
The petals of one coneflower, which you should have blooming in your backyard, for its immune system-boosting potential
Shake with ice. Serve in a martini glass. Garnish with a thermometer. 

Food

Has your personal poultry slaughterer gone astray? Not to fear! Simply instruct your guests to visit your chicken coop one at a time (for safety purposes) and select their meal. Print out personalized, decorated notecards — I prefer Victorian lace edges — with instructions on how to kill a chicken. But your hosting duties don’t end there! Visit my blog for my favorite chicken marsala recipe with a touch of zinc and fresh astragalus. You’ll also find my organic defeathering technique.

Party Favors

Send your guests off in style with a decoupaged gift box containing handcrafted acetaminophen.