Okay, I haven’t tied the knot yet, with anyone, but boy oh boy, I can’t wait to go to divorce court! No one writes a screenplay about a boring old married lady. But a divorced lady? Divorced me would have Judd Apatow knocking down my door absolutely DESPERATE to tell my story. Isn’t that how the movie business works? Anyway…
Here are some things I plan to do when I’m divorced.
- Fuck a younger guy!
This here’s an absolute no brainer. Is there literally any other point to getting married than subsequently getting divorced and banging a 26 year old ex frat brother? I’ll be 45, attractive, sexually experienced, and desirable in a kind of desperate and sad way, and he will…well, have a working dick! What more could a divorcee want?!
2. Fuck a younger girl!
That’s right. By the time I’m 45 and divorced, I will be staunchly bisexual and ready for anything! Watch out younger ladies! I’m coming for your parts. Sure, I don’t know what I’m doing, but I’ve been thinking about women to properly disassociate from my husband while we’re having sex for a decade now, so I think I’m ready on some level. Let’s make sweet love, Teresa, 24 year old hairdresser from Queens!
3. Abandon my three sons!
Oh man, looks like I’m living solo in a new fabulous apartment a few miles away from my three annoying fucking sons. Thank God my husband got full custody. Now I am free to pull a Nora from A Doll’s House and admit that I never liked them anyway. I mean, Jesus, who has THREE SONS? Can a woman catch a goddamn break? It was my husband’s fault anyway. He had seven brothers. Not an womanly gonad in sight. My sons miss me? Too bad! One is a pyromaniac, one’s a sex addict, and the other one is the manager of an Athlete’s Foot. I choose not to blame myself for how they turned out.
4. Do Ayahuasca and Soil Myself!
Correct. I’ll be traveling solo to Peru and pulling a Chelsea Handler. As a forty five year old divorcee, I am unafraid to soil myself and vomit in front of others because I’m confident a f. I am ready to see God, or aliens, or have an outer body experience, or have whatever it is that happens to you when you drink hallucinogenic tea. If I happen to fuck a shaman, praise be!
5. Run the Marathon!
I saved this for last as it is the most insane thing a person could do literally ever. Who does this? Run 26 miles at once? This is insane. What exactly are you running from? Well, I’m about to find out. As the hottest 45 year old divorcee I know, running the marathon will be easy. Divorce gives you adrenaline, and adrenaline gives you boundless stamina. Watch me as I dominate this race!
There you have it, my gameplan for the post divorce me! It sure beats getting married and having kids, which I haven’t done yet. But alas, you have to go through some darkness to get to the light: freedom and divorce! As they say, JUDD APATOW, I am ready for my close up!