To The Wedding Party,
I understand that some of you (cough cough Bathilda) have raised concerns about Tylerbs and I not rescheduling our August wedding in South Carolina. So, we thought it would be best to update you on the current COVID-19 situation.
Tylerbs and I met at Santa Con in Charleston, South Carolina in 2016. Our eyes met across the pool table as I did a boat shot while he threw up on a bartending elf. I knew it was love at first sight; I was immediately taken by his blonde combover and overbite. He knew it was love at first sight too even though he won’t admit it. He has regretted ever being with any woman before me. He’s ashamed to have ever committed premarital …OK, Tylerbs is telling me this information is not helpful, I disagree.
On to the “point,” I guess.
So COVID-19, Anthony Fauci, masks, blah blah blah. I have been waiting all my life for my immunocompromised father to walk me down the aisle. Do you understand how important this day is to me? It’s literally hashtag insulting that you would expect me to reschedule THE MOST IMPORTANT DAY OF MY LIFE because you don’t want to catch the sniffles. GROW UP. Life is hard. I only get to do this twice. We are NOT rescheduling, we are NOT reducing the number of invites, and YES, you are still expected to bring gifts. Do you think 8 porcelain Spice Girls statues are going to buy themselves? And what about the water bed? Our Pomeranian’s NEED a water bed, THEY HAVE BACK PROBLEMS. Do you really think I know how to make a panini Brittany? DO YOU? NO, which is why I ASKED YOU TO BUY ME A PANINI MAKER. IS THAT SO HARD? It’s on the registry. Look it up.
If you don’t want to fly American Airlines in a pandemic to watch me take your breath away, then FINE, DON’T. You know what, you probably will catch this “coronavirus” and you will be lying on your deathbed, and regret not doing the Cha Cha Slide with ME, your best friend, your mentor, the woman you wish lied next to you every night instead of your brunette wife who wasn’t sorority president all 4 years in a row. It’s your loss. I’m a natural blonde.
And STOP sending me articles about the coronavirus!!! OK, it’s like 600 million cases or whatever, that’s sad but like, inevitable? Also, if one more person sends me scenes of the movie Contagion, I am going to rip your head off and feed it to a bat. Unless your +1’s for my special day are Matt Damon and Jude Law, SHOVE IT.
If you absolutely insist on being a traitor and super bad friend by not coming, I will accept the below apology presents (please note this does not exempt you from the responsibilities of the main registry).
Glass polar bear figurines
A family of Chia pets
A papier-mâché life-sized sculpture of Dina Lohan
Island (Caribbean and/or kitchen)
The venue has remained the same, the caterers are reconfirmed, and the band is booked because the entire state reopened 3 months ago. You all need to stop acting like tiny school babies. This is real life and life goes on people! I look forward to seeing you all at Tylarzibeth, that’s our wedding hashtag, hashtag Tylarzibeth, follow us! To the real ones out there, can’t wait to see you ALL!!!! Reminder to the bridesmaids, be ugly, it’s my day!