Ladies, let’s go! Turn your Zoom video on. And Brittany, stop slumping, you’re never going to be the next Charli D’Amelio if your shoulders are as slouched as your intentionally oversized Champion sweatshirt. Last week’s video was a nightmare. We barely hit 1,000 views and the algorithm kicked us out overnight. That will not happen again—I have a reputation to uphold. This week, we’ll be traveling to your respective kitchens or backyard pools to record our new number entitled, “Savage.” I’m challenging you this week because this number is complex, raw, and 15 seconds long.
Warm Up (5:15-6:00am)
Girls, start your usual warm up of doing leaps across your bedroom floor and practicing lip-syncing in your mirrors. Moms, get on the Zoom call so we can talk about iPhone camera angles and effects. You’re not here just to sit on your ass and make a rare and innocent cameo of you half-assedly following along in the background of your daughter’s video. You pay me to teach your daughter TikTok dances, and that’s what I’m going to do. If TikTok is taking a backseat to the global pandemic and major social unrest in this country, then get your 11-year-old and exit out of this Zoom call right now because there’s a million kids out there who would sell their data in a heartbeat to be my student. You’re all replaceable.
Learning Choreography (6:00am-8:00pm)
5, 6, 7, 8—Clap. Swayyyy. Sharp, we need SHARP movements, like you’re a knife slicing through a giant sheet cake. BRAELYNN, USE YOUR FACEEEEE! Where’s the emotion? You need to transport the audience, and make them believe that you’re classy, bougie, and ratchet. You need to tell the story of a girl who is sassy, moody, and nasty. Play the part and ACT STUPID. And Braelynn, what is happening with your face? Do you think people are going to like and share your TikTok if you’re completely dead-face? Do you think that’s how nobodies in crop tops end up going viral? The judges on TikTok aren’t going to pat your head and give pity points like Star Power’s professional, seasoned judges. TikTok judges are unemployed, depressed 27-year-olds who have never danced in their life, and they’re going to rip you to shreds on every single social media platform available despite the fact you’re minors. Let’s start from the top again.
Water Break (8:00pm-8:02pm)
You ladies are OUT OF BREATH? Samantha, where did you go? Did you collapse? Alright, well it seems like a water break would be appropriate. But I’ll say this, this would NOT fly in Victorville Federal Correctional Institution. Inmates like Betsy would see you drink water—and cover your ears, Brittany—they would…forget it. In the state of California, the crime of not going viral can get you three years in Victorville. I’ll say this right now, none of you would last a day and Sarah you cry too much to handle a day in jail. So, enjoy your little sink water and get back to places NOW. We’re going to spend 16 hours on a 15-second dance, don’t let this flop ladies!
Trying on Costumes (8:02-8:45pm)
Honestly girls, your dance is only 5% of what matters on TikTok. Costumes are everything and moms, you’ll be really happy to know that they’re age appropriate crop tops. Moms, remember that when you’re spending 12 hours tie-dying the crop tops, midriff must be shown. The TOP MUST BE CROPPED OR ELSE I WILL CROP YOU FROM THE GROUP. And no, the producers did not tell me to say that.
Wrap Up (8:45-9:00pm)
Listen, the reason I’m so hard on you girls is because I’ve transformed hundreds of dancers into working Broadway stars and dozens of them into Instagram influencers who don’t dance anymore but found out they were attractive. Stick with me and I can take you from a bored and obnoxious 12-year-old all the way to the For You Page. If you’re not ready for clout, then you’re clearly not cut out to be an Abby Lee-trained TikTok star. Jesus, Brittany, stop crying. Save your tears for your pillow.