NRA Press Release: Zero School Shootings Since March

8/5/20–11:30 AM

Holiday Inn Express, Fairfax, VA — The National Rifle Association CEO Wayne Robert LaPierre, Jr. was proud to announce at 11:30 AM this morning, just after the All-American continental breakfast was served, that there were zero reported school shootings since the Covid-19 stay-at-home orders and that this is a direct result of guns.

A crowd of reporters and lost hotel guests were witnesses to Mr.LaPierre’s explanation of this unprecedented rate of success, “Technically there are more schools open now than ever before. Every child’s home is now a school. The cause of this unprecedented time of zero school shootings? Good guys with guns. Every home-slash-school that has a legal gun owned by a parent-slash-teacher has had zero shootings. Home-slash-schools with no guns supposedly have zero shootings as well, but we consider this data unreliable.”

Mr. LaPierre continued by revealing the NRA’s three-step plan for making these new home/schools safer, “The parent-slash-teacher who owns a gun is doing a great job protecting their child-slash-student, but what is there to protect the student from the teacher? After all, statistics have shown that a gun in a home is more likely to be used shooting a friend or family member than a burglar.” Mr. LaPierre then gave a description of the three-step plan shown below.

Step One: Congress must enact legislation that lowers the legal age to own a gun to anyone still in school in the grades of K-through-12. Permitting that they keep at least a D average, in one class of their choosing. While more than 75% of first graders know where their parents keep the gun in the house, this is not enough. It is the opinion of The NRA that they need their own firearm.

Step Two: Any pets in the school/home need to be allowed to carry a modified gun to account for a lack of opposable thumbs. They have as many rights as any other Americans.

Step Three: Re-arm all parent/teachers. Now that they’re teaching in a house/school inhabited by armed and dangerous child/students and pets/school-counselors they will need more guns than they currently have. To make this more feasible we are lobbying to add the “Re-arm Our Teachers” tax credit to the teacher deductions in next year’s Turbo-Tax.

Mr. LaPierre ended his portion of the briefing by taking out his concealed-carry to speak of the importance of the God-given right to bear arms “which is the only way to prevent bad-guys with guns.” Mr.LaPierre then showed the crowd that actions speak louder than words: as he holstered his gun it accidentally fired and he shot himself in the leg due to the safety being off. As he was being led off to seek medical attention, he gave one final remark. “This is why we need guns. I shot myself in the leg in self-defense of all of you since I am clearly a bad gun owner.” 

After a brief silence, NRA President Carolyn D. Meadows came to the podium and concluded the briefing with an announcement that they would not be validating parking.

About the National Rifle Association
Established in 1871 as a joke, the National Rifle Association remains America’s oldest and longest running joke.

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