An Admissions Tour Of The University That Values You Entirely, Right Down To The Cent

Welcome to Predominately White, Majorly Wealthy University™!
We hope that it was not too hard to find our gated community
And that the security guard did not mistake you for a local
And refuse you entry.
Please enjoy browsing past school yearbooks as you wait for the tour to begin.
In them you will find many notable alumni
Including our Dean of Admissions
Posed next to a massive confederate flag.
Would you like a LaCroix while you wait?
It’s Pamplemousse.

We here at PWMWU™ boast a diverse student body;
We have students whose parents are CEOs of many different companies
And who all order something different at Starbucks.
We are incredibly lucky to have such a variety of interests
And backgrounds here at our illustrious university.
We even have a student from every state in the Northeast United States!
Are you sure you don’t want a LaCroix?

We are very proud to have such a rich Greek department.
No, not the Greek Language department,
Which shares a small building with the Latin,
Classics,
English,
History,
Women, Gender, and Sexuality Studies,
Philosophy,
And Education departments.
But instead the eight sororities and seven fraternities and five underground fraternities
All with a history of hazing and sexual assault and racism
That we teach as little as we teach actual Greek history.
I can see if we have any other flavors?
A nice lime, maybe?

Please know that you here at PWMWU™
Are valued as more than just a number.
We’re not like other Predominately White University™
Where you are identified by your ID number
And sit in a sea of other ID numbers
Hoping the professor doesn’t rattle off your eight-digit name
To call on you during class.
No, here at PWMWU™, the professors single you out based on your race
And assume that you,
One of “our Asian colleagues,”
Can speak for your education in China
Even though you grew up in France.
Please take a LaCroix.

In fact, we value you so much
That we decided to raise tuition in the middle of a pandemic
So that we can value you harder.
We didn’t think you’d mind.
We know you can pay for it.
Either you are in the top 1%
Of the top 1%
Of the top 1%
And can afford our hefty tuition bill and a lawsuit
Because your child doesn’t know a spike from a volley
But definitely was the team captain in high school
Or you will help us meet our diversity quota
And we will value you for exactly
$309,368
Over your four years here
(And we will expect you to donate that amount back to us tenfold
So that we can buy another multimillion dollar athletic facility
Because we would like one in every color).
We have so many goddamn LaCroix.
I’m begging you.

Now let’s go see the Business school!
It is made of glass for no reason other than we like it that way!
What’s that?
You’re interested in the Humanities?
Shut up and drink your LaCroix.

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