Life Events Eclipsed By Commercials

My college graduation
With our diplomas in tow, my housemates and I met for one last drink at our favorite bar. I gave a toast to the runners in the Michelob marathon runners and almost choked up describing the shared obstacles they overcame together. The boys looked at me in confusion and afterwards offered their support if I had something personal going on.

My wedding day 
Everyone thought I wept tears of joy at the altar. My wife smiled at me from behind her white veil, she looked as beautiful as the first day I met her. My brother told me later I had the expression of a man who fell in love all over again. The whole time I thought about the Clydesdales from the Budweiser Super Bowl commercials. 

Moving into my first house
Jennifer and I brought the last boxes into the empty living room of our first house. She teared up just a little and kissed me. I held her and she said she felt safe having a place we called our own. I grew quiet and pictured myself as the Mucinex Man. I thought about how safe and content he felt in his own little corner, but ultimately his life fell apart.

The birth of my son
A wave of love, gratitude, and responsibility crashed over me in the hospital the moment my son was born. I was down the hall at a vending machine, because having a son made me think of Bart Simpson, which in turn made me crave a Butterfinger.

When my wife left me
Jennifer told me about a long-term affair with a man who was receptive to her and the world around him. I had seen this coming. Lately she had been reminding me of that Sprint commercial where the spokesman originally from the Verizon commercials endorsed Sprint. How could I trust anyone if I couldn’t trust the man selling me high-speed coverage through Verizon in 2004? 

When I died of a heart attack
I felt tremendous pain, the sensation of falling, and a crash that shook my body. At that moment, I became the glass destroyed by a hammer in the seminal 1984 Macintosh commercial. The repressed memory of seeing that commercial air while simultaneously being electrocuted by a battery-powered Transformer washed over me. A smile played on my face as I remembered Ridley Scott directed it.

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