Updated Back To School Policies So You Don’t Get COVID And We Don’t Get Sued

Dear parents,

We at Wilshire Middle School are excited to re-open this fall because education is suddenly very important to us.

As countries and economies collapse, we feel it’s more important than ever to educate your child about the pythagorean theorem. However, due to the pandemic, we will be enforcing some new rules for your safety and because our lawyers told us to.

1. Classes will be limited to 5 students. We will be drawing straws every morning to decide which students get to take math. Everyone else will get Cs.

2. The first bus will now arrive at 4 a.m. to allow for 10 kids at a time to be transported to school. As always it will be late by 15 minutes.

3. All students are required to wear masks at all times. The popular kids will not be given special clearance.

4. If any student needs a mask, simply ask your teacher to give you one out of their paycheck.

5. The maximum capacity for pep rallies has been changed to 2.

6. During attendance every morning, you must say “here” and also that you don’t have Covid-19.

7. Only one person will be allowed to pee at a time.

8. We are replacing all books with hand sanitizer.

9. No sports except badminton but since no one knows how to play this, no sports.

10. Instead of recess all students will be given a pogo stick to play with.

11. We are taking social distancing very seriously. Kids standing on top of each other in a trench coat will be expelled.

12. To minimize contact with multiple surfaces, students must carry their chair and desk from class to class.

13. Borrowing pencils and pens from another student is banned. If we catch you sharing supplies, you will be expelled.

14. All the class pets will be put down prior to opening.

15. Students need to bring their own lunch trays and also their own lunch.

16. Know-it-alls are being asked to reduce the number of times they answer questions in class as this may require them to remove their mask. In return, as a compromise, we will now allow students to cuss out their teachers.

17. Students will no longer be allowed to open-mouth kiss, even in the case of CPR.

18. School plays are cancelled. We’re just going to have Bret recite Hamlet at the end of the year to everyone.

19. Any student caught eating their boogers will now be expelled, effective immediately.

20. The school bullies have unionized. Kids must Venmo their bullies with lunch money.

21. Students will no longer be allowed to deep throat the water fountains. If we catch you deep throating the water fountain, you will be expelled.

22. The science fair prize this year will go to whoever can make the vaccine. Anyone with volcanoes will be asked to drop out.

23. If you get coronavirus, call 911.

24. None of the kids are allowed to have anxiety or depression. We do not have the funds to deal with this.

25. All teachers will be required to write a will before returning.

26. This goes without saying but please don’t bring your gun to school. Your safety is our #1 priority.

If we can all adhere to these new rules, reopening will be safe and fun and profitable to us. 

Vice Principal Mark Sherbert


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