Hey all you fuckboi Infinite Jest worshippers out there! Stop wasting your time pondering the state of your afterlife. Don’t wonder whether your tragic fuckboi soul will end up in Heaven, Hell, or Purgatory. Stop entertaining the thought of reincarnation. If it does happen, you will undoubtedly reincarnate as…you guessed it…ANOTHER Infinite Jest loving fuckboi.
To put it bluntly, put a cork in your existential crises and face the facts. When you inevitably perish, you’re going straight to Hell.
That’s right. Satan himself has taken the liberty of creating a special place in Hell for fuckbois to discuss Infinite Jest.
Now fuckbois, it’s obvious what you’re thinking…
This sounds fantastic! The best book EVER written is nearly one thousand pages long, so why not spend the entirety of our afterlives discussing Joelle, Madame Psychosis, and the Incandenzas at length? And with other well read fuckbois no less? Sounds more like Heaven to me! If you don’t know who Joelle is, then you clearly HAVEN’T read Infinite Jest, which you need to do immediately, you uneducated loser!
Next you’re going to tell us that we’ll get to talk down to anyone in Hell who hasn’t read this masterpiece. Literary negging is our absolute favorite activity! You’ll then reveal that we’ll get to point to Infinite Jest right before we make out with a youthful demon chick and be able to say something like, “Have you seriously not read Infinite Jest? What are you stupid?? Anyway let’s hook up sweet lips!”
Dream on fuckbois! Satan will make sure that you suffer. After all, he’s created several other special places in Hell that have tortured fuckbois for centuries.
For instance, there are places in Hell for fuckbois who force you to listen to their Zac Brown Band themed playlists, fuckbois who love cryptocurrency, fuckbois who have nothing on their walls except for a Godfather poster, fuckbois who retweet sports stats for no one, fuckbois who look forward to SantaCon, fuckbois who play D3 college lacrosse, and fuckbois with tik tok accounts.
You see, you THINK you’ll enjoy discussing Infinite Jest for eternity, but oh no. Because you forced Infinite Jest down so many peoples throats throughout your lifetime, it’s the only thing you’ll be able to read OR talk about, for ETERNITY. When you think about it, that’s fucking horrific. On top of that, you won’t be able to talk to anyone else in Hell besides the other fuckbois in your book club. Oh, and the ringmaster of this book group hellscape will be none other than SATAN himself.
Here are some rules for your precious little fuckboi discussion group.
- If you discuss ANYTHING other than the contents of Infinite Jest while in Hell, you will be forced to eat an entire copy of Infinite Jest. Remember, that is one FAT book.
- Other than when you are forced to devour a copy of the novel while being punished, you will not be allowed to eat.
- If you are caught trying to sneak any other meals in Hell, from say, the D3 lacrosse fuckboi group, who exclusively eat lacrosse sticks with ketchup on them, you be forced to write a one million word essay on the meaning of Infinite Jest.
- If you are caught trying to make out with ANY demon women hotties, you will be forced to memorize the entirety of Infinite Jest, and recite it while being poked with sticks. One little mistake and you will have to start from the beginning. The sticks are very sharp.
- You will never be allowed to sleep. All day, every day, unless you are being punished by rules 1–4, you will be reading or discussing Infinite Jest with your fellow fuckbois. NO other activities of any kind are permitted.
There you have it! Satan’s five rules for the Infinite Jest fuckboi discussion group. So, fuckbois, beware of enjoying and forcing others to read this book during your lifetime, unless you want to be reading this unnecessarily long novel until the end of time. Oh, and by the way, in Hell, there is no end of time. So really, you’ll be reading Infinite Jest FOREVER. Good luck fuckbois, and welcome to Hell!