Decorating Tips To Get Your Airbnb Up And Ready For When This Virus Thing Is Done

You’ve placed seashells in the powder room—now what?

Greet guests at the entrance of your property with a notice that says “mi casa es su casa.” A folksy handmade design is best. Your flair for languages and commitment to hospitality will not go unnoticed.

Brighten your space with artwork. If IKEA’s sold out of that Audrey Hepburn poster, you could be the first host in Airbnb history to place a simple black frame around a contrasty photo of shaggy Highland cattle.

Provide exactly one dishwasher puck because seriously what kind of guest can be trusted with more?

Place a plunger style “French” coffeemaker on the kitchen counter. No one will ever touch this. Its purpose is to quickly communicate that you are an Airbnb host of unrivaled je ne sais quoi. But you’re not a dick, so leave a communal jar of Folgers in the cupboard.

Ensure that the can opener is ancient and nonfunctional, bought at a yard sale after some old person had died. Take full advantage of that yard sale to stock up on mugs with random corporate logos.

Ensure that both a high quality bread knife for slicing locally purchased artisanal sourdough and a finely honed chef’s knife for chopping organic vegetables fresh from the farmers’ market are absent.

Entice guests to linger at mealtimes in an oasis of chic nordic minimalism created with a white IKEA Docksta pedestal dining table and white metal IKEA Adde chairs—and wow, at only $12.50 each you could buy four.

Select toiletries based on how closely the packaging resembles Aesop’s but cost far less. Not a single guest will ever notice the quality difference or discuss the matter at unnecessary length in an online review.

Use large 3D letters to spell out the name of your city on a prominent wall, as a thoughtful selfie backdrop for guests. For cities with extra pizazz, like Nashville and New Orleans, erect signs that light up and blink.

Find inspiring places to display patriotism. Suggestions include Stars ’n’ Stripes window treatments, welcome mats, coasters, cushions, shower curtains, napkin rings, egg cups, beer glasses and images of Old Glory silkscreened onto planks of faux barn board. Guests should always be within six feet of something made in China that makes ’em wanna stand up and holler Fuck yeah, USA!

Create a playful, vintage vibe by placing a record player from Costco in an awkward corner. Visit Goodwill to purchase no more than 8 amusingly ironic albums from the 1960s.

Install massive, late-model flatscreen TVs in every room, viewable from any angle. Insert dead batteries into at least one remote. Include incomprehensible operating instructions in your “Welcome! House Rules!” binder. Hide that binder.

Reveal your quirky, individualistic approach to interior design with a totally unexpected bowl of decorative rattan balls.

Rest assured that the hallmark of a top-notch host is the comfort and quality of the beds and bed linens. After all, the first “b” in Airbnb stands for “bed.” But don’t bother, it’s all going to look the same in the photos.

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