Every Vegan Flavor Of Arctic Zero (TM) Low Calorie Ice Cream, Reviewed In Haiku Form

Chocolate Peanut Butter
Peanut butter cup
If it went through Chernobyl 
And somehow survived

Purely Chocolate
Like a fudgesicle
But with the fudge part removed
Icicles remain

Salted Caramel
Sepia photo
of a Werther’s hard candy;
Caramel’s dead aunt 

Cookie Shake
I was expecting
This to taste like a cookie.
Shaking my damn head.

Pistachio
No nuts and no cream
For those who are allergic:
Allergic to joy

Cookie Dough Chunk
Dough suspended in
An amniotic plasma 
Can this be vegan?

Classic Vanilla
No trace of “classic,”
Tastes like whiteness in a pint.
Calling all Karens!

Cake Batter
If you baked this cake
For your enemy’s birthday
It would be too cruel

Hint of Mint
Taste without flavor
A hint without an answer
Brush your teeth instead

Cherry Chocolate Chunk
The bastard child
Born to Cherry Garcia
And formaldehyde 

Brownie Blast
This one is better,
but has twice the calories.
Nothing in life is free

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