How To Buy A Bikini That Makes You Feel Like Trash About Yourself

Go to a store. Preferably one with large mirrors, music from when your grandmother still wore bikinis, and lots of saleswomen who are unrealistically thin.

Start looking around and grab a few things off the rack. Encounter bathing suits made out of seatbelts, raccoon pelts, your mother’s disappointment, and one that is just a live Cobra (not to be confused with the bikini made entirely out of forms from COBRA). Pull the ones you hate slightly less than the rest and pray it fits.

Go into the dressing room. Look in the mirror. Mentally and emotionally prepare yourself for the WWE deathmatch that is about to occur between your body and current retail fashion. Only one of them is making it out alive, and it’s probably not your body.

Change into one of the bathing suits you selected. Look into the mirror. Grimace further. It’s like if King Kong raided Barbie’s wardrobe.

Change into a different bathing suit. The straps on this one are reminiscent of Martha Stewart. Not her body, but when she wraps a roast with twine on her show. Just meat overflowing some thin white pieces of rope. This is fashion?

Change into yet another bathing suit. God this sucks. You know the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, the one that the Ghostbusters have to fight at the end of the movie? He is looking back at you in the mirror, like some creepy evil twin.

Take it off and put your normal clothes on. Grimace so hard the lines in your face become permanent. Great, the bathing suit did it’s job! Now you look terrible in everything!

Seethe over how shitty this went until it is literally uncontrollable. Set the entire store on fire with your rage (and gasoline).

As people all around you run outside to escape the ever-increasing flames, grab a bathing suit off the rack. Hey, this one’s not so bad! It’s more of a tankini than a traditional bikini, but at least it looks like it was designed to fit a human.

Leave, satisfied. You did it! You got a bikini! Admire your work as the sirens around you get closer and closer, the store fully encased in a blaze of ashy glory.

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