Things I’ve Done in Quarantine That Were the Worst Experiences of My Life

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  • Took an edible and watched Titanic.

Do not do this, I beg of you. You will think that you are in the movie. You will think that YOU are the one falling in love and tragically drowning. Do you WANT to have nightmares about having sex on a sinking ship for weeks to come?? Then do not try this at home.

  • Said fuck you to my cat.

Why did I do it? Because my cat pissed on my sheets. I had to. I could only get revenge by whispering fuck you while maintaining eye contact with the little mongrel. Worst part is, my roommate caught me in the act and now thinks I’m a psychopath. No matter how mad you are at your cat, don’t say fuck you. You’ll just feel worse.

  • Banged my roommate.

Now that the walk of shame is only thirty seconds long, I’m dying of embarrassment. Demetri and I figured that we had no other option BUT to make love during the quarantine…as the apocalypse was upon us. Now I realize that Demetri is a sociopath. (he drinks five black coffees a day) DAMMIT. Another one bites the dust. Also, he doesn’t text me back? He’s in the next room for goodness sake!

  • Watched sex and the city, read a book about sex and the city, and listened to a podcast about sex and the city.

This is overkill. Don’t try to expand your horizons when it comes to the sex and the city universe. Charlotte, Miranda, Carrie, and Samantha are annoying enough even when they’re NOT pervading your entire existence 24 hours a day. I’m obsessed with this show and it’s killing me. What’s next? Sex and the city wallpaper and sheets? Facial reconstructive surgery so I can look like SJP? It never ends!!!

  • Discussed comedy with a male.

This is a huge mistake. If you do comedy, if you don’t do comedy, don’t bring up comedy with a male. You will regret it. They will share…oh god…don’t make me say it…OPINIONS about comedy. They might even test out their bits on you. Oh lord, I’m triggered. They might even say something like…I would like to do comedy. It’s too much to take!!!!!!!

  • Bought a box of wine.

This one…well…you get it! DON’T DO IT.

 

 

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