By Dan Perlman and Ginny Hogan
Illustrated by Eva Hill
- Singing the alphabet.
- Counting backwards from 12.
- Counting forwards to 12.
- Sleeping alone again.
- Object permanence.
- Muting Tori’s Instagram. It took 45 minutes to decide if you wanted to mute just her posts, or posts and stories. The good news is you can still watch her stories from your burner account.
- Sending your mom a Mother’s Day text – not even a call, just a text.
- Only eating one fry.
- Being honest with yourself about truly anything, especially why Tori left you.
- Only eating two fries.
- Being honest with yourself about the number of fries you’ve eaten.
- Spelling the word “a.”
- Not stalking the Instagram of the guy who’s he’s commented on two of Tori’s photos. I mean, he must be her boyfriend though – who else would do that? Also, he’s being aggressive. You held back until you were official to even start returning her texts, which she brought up as a point of conflict several times. But you did it out of respect and to avoid being needy.
- Wearing underwear.
- Deleting your 18 tweets that are all variations of “who DUMPS SOMEONE during a PANDEMIC?!”
- Having COVID (although getting it is easy, we are obligated to remind you)
- Dancing sober.
- Avoiding a downward spiral of wondering if Tori is hiding her Instagram stories from you on days when she doesn’t post a story. It just feels suspect she usually posts three times but today zero? She’s doing this to hurt you.
- Leaving your apartment because your therapist has said sunlight is “good” for people who are “depressed” because they’ve had their “hearts crushed” by the world’s most “malicious yet beautiful woman,” who wouldn’t be malicious at all if she simply changed her mind and came back to you.
- Explaining to the people around you that the reason you’re sniffling isn’t because you’re crying (this alarms people), but rather that you merely have coronavirus.
- Resisting the urge to bellow “TORI” into the canyon you just drove past, like you’re a character in Garden State. She’s not coming back!
- Accepting that while you’re nowhere near ready to “move on,” you’re probably ready enough to offload your emotional baggage onto some other woman.
- Re-downloading Hinge.
- Thinking of anything easier than putting one stupid piece of cloth over your stupid face.
Little Old Lady Comedy 