CAST (In order of most likely to decompose after a drum roll)
BIDEN, the candidate and main attraction (Note for user: batteries must be replaced after each stump speech).
TONGUE, his tongue, played by an aged gremlin who is knee deep in a heated bingo game. Garbled radio waves pour from the candidate’s mouth as the gremlin eyes his card.
FOOT, his foot, played by the transplanted foot of Ivan Nikolayevich Solovyov, an ex-Soviet agent who defected to the Pacific Northwest and lived in seclusion for 40 years in an underwater tank beneath the surface of a mill pond.
INTERN (4), his interns, played by four 20-somethings from the elite employment agency Good Stock.
SCENE: Fundraising dinner. Patrons mix in the poultry yard behind the theater. The voice of a friendly hostess: “Alright everybody, the time has come for you to choose your entree! Just point to which chicken, turkey, duck or goose you’d like to have on your plate this evening, and one of our gutters will snuff out its eternal flame, mangle its remains, and in no time at all it’ll be ready for the dinner plate! We gut and slaughter all our own poultry onsite to guarantee its freshness and keep it out of the hands of immigrants! If you’d like to participate in the blood tasting, raise your hand and one of our attendants will come to you… just press your lips to the neck and suck!”
“The sky is falling, the sky is falling,” cry the poultry. The patrons cackle and finger their Sapphire Preferred cards…
Patrons take their seats. Curtain comes up. “Don’t Stand So Close To Me” by The Police plays.
MASTER OF CEREMONIES: Will you please join me in welcoming to the stage, Joe Biden!
Patrons clap. BIDEN enters from the wing, falls flat on his face and lies there. INTERN enters, trips over BIDEN, splinters.
Curtain. Luncheon intermission of half an hour. The patrons get to know each other. The drinks begin to flow. Someone becomes overly eager and topples the key bowl. The wait staff attend to the mess.
BIDEN enters from the wing of the stage, falls flat on his face and lies there.
His TONGUE appears on stage, stumbles over BIDEN and falls.
TONGUE: Christ on a bike! Tripped over Biden!
INTERN enters, trips over TONGUE, splinters.
BIDEN (Getting up): Well I’ll be an ass’s turd! (Takes a step, stumbles over TONGUE and falls) Dang and blast! Tripped over my own tongue!
TONGUE (Getting up): A guy can’t even smear— (Takes a step, stumbles over BIDEN and falls) Holy crow! Tripped over Biden again!
INTERN enters, trips over TONGUE, splinters. Final INTERN enters, trips over INTERN shavings, splinters.
BIDEN (Getting up): Ladies and Gentlemen, if I could just— (Takes a step, stumbles over TONGUE and falls) Well, slap a bonnet on me and call me Nora! You again!
TONGUE (Getting up): Yes, me, you bastard! You couldn’t form one stinking syllable if it weren’t for me! (Takes a step, stumbles over BIDEN and falls) Jesus Christ!
BIDEN (Getting up): Oh, a wise guy, huh? Listen up, Jack—
His FOOT appears on stage in a nightshirt carrying a hot water bottle and forces itself into his open mouth.
BIDEN (Ruffled): Hey! Geroff mee-umpphhh!
Curtain. Dinner intermission of an hour and a half. Appetizers are served: cream of zucchini and muskrat soup, prying housekeeper bisque, lobster au caviar with tongue of penny loafer, and a salad of charred veal’s heart and pickled stockbroker on a bed of arugula. For the main course: choice of braised chicken, herb-roasted turkey, honey-lacquered duck breast, or goose liver paste with stubbed toe of groundskeeper. To wash it all down: a nice double barrel blend, blood of lamb and tear of shepherd’s children from the Eurasian Steppe.
MASTER OF CEREMONIES: Thank you all for attending. If you look under your chairs, you’ll find a sealed envelope containing a $100,000 check and, as many of you requested, a little how-to guide on how to cash it via satellite from your submersible yacht. Thank you again for coming and showing your support for such a noble cause. I hope you’ll stay and finish your deserts. The brandy and lobbyist’s knees treacle looks particularly yummy this evening. Have a good night and don’t forget to sign the guest book and spank the hostess on your way out.