We regretfully announce that the 40th reunion of the Class of 1980 from Fairchild High School has been cancelled due to the coronavirus pandemic. We briefly considered a Zoom reunion, but Clifford the nerd is the only one who’ll be able to figure out the mute function…Anyway, hobble down memory lane!
Trixie, our homecoming queen
Trixie’s been busy (happy emoji). She recently snuck out during shelter-in-place to have her fillers redone by Dr. To-The-Stars-and-Beyond in Beverly Hills. It’s an essential procedure, Trixie says. Her children chastised her. Trixie’s been selling her designer purses on The Real Real to pay for the fillers. She wonders if Medicare covers fillers. (Trixie dear, at this rate, we hope Medicare outlives you.) Trixie reports she still has good hair (another happy face). She also snuck her hairdresser onto her patio for a color and cut. They socially distanced and drank martinis while waiting for the color to work its magic. She again got chastised by her children. Trixie, with her new do, went to Costco where she bought a case of vodka. This time she didn’t tell her children. In the meantime, she’s triple gloving to clean her own toilets. Who knows what risky behavior her housekeeper’s been practicing, right?!
Pete, our Fairchild Sundowners’ quarterback
Pete moved to Florida after high school and sells insurance. His ex-wife accused him of having peaked in high school. Pete knows some Spanish, enough to say, “Hola Isabel, donde esta la biblioteca?” Unlike some fellow Floridians, Pete wears his mask. He does admit that both his mask and his pants constantly creep down, the former not fully covering his butt crack and the latter exposing his nostrils. He’s always pulling both up. And Pete says, “What hair??”
Gregory, on the cross country team (he probably participated in other stuff, too, but no one remembers)
He can still fit into – and still wears – his black wedding suit. Gregory says he’s gay now (three smiley faces and rainbow emoji). His ex-wife told him. Gregory’s now lives with his partner. They plan to marry once the pandemic is over so Gregory can show off his suit. For now, he and his fiancé are re-watching Downton Abbey. He says he’s so disappointed in Ellen; she seems so nice. Gregory is still running…with a mask, always. His hero is Tony Fauci, who also runs.
Clifford, the nerd (As far as we know, he didn’t do anything in high school. We only knew him as “the nerd.”)
Cliff says he lots of hair — and money. He rigged up his Roomba robot vacuum to give him haircuts. He’s currently on the lookout for aerosols. He proudly Zooms with his grandchildren on Sundays. Cliff doesn’t watch much TV except for past seasons of Game of Thrones, so he can have something to say to his older grandchildren. They tell him that was so yesterday.
Marlon, the stoner
Marlon was busy earlier in the pandemic selling homemade hand sanitizer on Etsy. It’s a family business, he says. His daughter’s in charge of content, his son runs shipping, and his wife does everything else. Marlon’s still rocking out to the Grateful Dead, RIP Jerry. He’s glad Jerry’s dead because, what with the diabetes and the weight, Jerry would’ve been a sitting duck for this virus. Marlon’s into good clean living, no booze, no drugs, only occasional homemade peach scones, from the organic peaches he grows in the yard.
Martha, head of debate team and Model UN
Martha’s made a name for herself. She actually has an advanced degree. She’s been “on a mission” (her words) writing op-eds criticizing Betsy DeVos — and other women named Betsy. When we asked about hair, she replied with a shrug emoji. It’s gray, what more is there to say? Ruth Bader Ginsberg is her hero. Martha doesn’t have Netflix. She’s re-reading Animal Farm and Dracula.
Marla, the star in all the Fairchild drama productions
Marla is in charge of home schooling her grandkids. They’re doing a production of Oklahoma! in the backyard. Originally Marla wanted to do Hamilton, but way too many lines to memorize for the little ones. Besides, their reading has plateaued with this home schooling. In her spare time, she buys apple cider vinegar supplement capsules on Goop, on sale today. Marla’s also been playing detective, snooping out old boyfriends online. (OK, for sure she would’ve figured out the mute button.) Wow, they’ve let themselves go, she laments. While stalking old flames, Marla found Martha on Facebook. The two of them are collaborating on a project to make a life size talking version of RBG, you know, just in case. That Mitch McConnell, he’ll believe anything, Marla says.