Please Consider My Child’s Application To Your Pandemic Pod

I know that you have assembled a Pandemic Pod of four children for the school year (the “Pod Goals” t-shirts I saw them rocking on your Instagram are super cute). I was hoping that you would consider adding a fifth child. My son Felix would make a great addition as he has no known food allergies and has only pulled the fire alarm once (early reader, saw the word PULL, followed suit). 

As a family, we are committed to fighting the spread of this virus, while not crowding the school building and adding another layer of stress to teachers’ already frayed nerves. As Felix was encouraged to reign in some of his “bubble thoughts” last year, we are hopeful to help the atmosphere this year in any way we are able. 

I assume your pod is planning to meet during the usual school week. So, by adding Felix, we could all share in teaching five kids in five homes over five days. Afterall, so many groups throughout history comprised five. The Fab Five of UMich fame! The Spice Girls! What would The Jackson Five be without Jermaine? (The Jackson Four just sounds weird, doesn’t it?). My point is, five is a really nice little manageable pod squad. Chris O’Donnell has five kids and they all seem like such good citizens. That’s our hope for our kids, too, right?

As for what we can bring to the table, our pantry hosts a variety of disinfectant wipes and ample hand sanitizers in different scents. We also have plenty of Halloween candy from the three years prior as I was advised not to give Felix any sugar. 

Although I have never taught elementary school, I am certified in Laughter Yoga and took a lot of prenatal Pilates when I was pregnant with Felix. I still apply the principles of zen to get through each day. I am confident in my abilities to share these principles with children of the pandemic pod. A mindful minute is good for all of us, hey? 

While my husband does not play an active role in our family life from day to day, he does receive his mail here and can be a warm presence on days when I need to undergo my medical trial for depression (basically a chemically induced coma approximating brain death). My husband is versed in various methods of bodily restraint, and can assemble a pretty mean paper airplane if the pod deems a craft time necessary. 

I assume you will need to discuss this as a parent pod, but I will add that a fifth family really makes establishing quorum easier! Also I am willing to borrow against Felix’s college fund if you will please accept him immediately as we have no tenable alternative to surviving this school year.
The cashmere robes that arrived with your monograms embroidered are but a small token of our appreciation for your consideration.

That no child may be left behind,
Felix’s Mom

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