Every American family coping with the pandemic has one dream, the dream of going viral. While enduring economic, social, and political distress, every family wants more than ever to gain rapid fame while inappropriately twerking in synchrony. Embarrassing everyone while betraying your family’s privacy is just the way to showbiz baby! Follow these sure-fire steps to success, in the name of Ryan Seacrest.
1. Make sure your entire family is involved, not just the kids, we mean everybody, Mom, Dad, Grandma, Grandpa, dead relatives, house ghosts, this is a team effort.
2. Order matching tie-dye tracksuits.
3. Also, matching boots. The boots must, and we cannot stress this enough, have the fur.
4. Post 3 to 37 photos of you in the tracksuits near a giant pool; pretend that pool is yours.
5. Choose a famous and easily recognizable song, such as Big Sean and Nicki Minaj’s 2011 remix “Dance Ass” or anything by Daniel Powter, Michael Buble is a back-up option but only in December.
6. Make the neighbor no one likes, Travis, we all know its Travis, film you all at 2:37 p.m. EST. That is when daylight hits the window in the living room best, it highlights cheekbones and also blocks out problematic cellulite on Grandma’s face.
7. Perform a jazz square in perfect unison.
8. Verbally accost Grandpa at least once for not twerking to perfection, a hip replacement is no excuse for laziness.
9. Remind Mom she is not Kris Jenner, her name is Judy and she drives carpool, keep her humble.
10. Force the Pomeranian to make a cameo.
11. If you don’t have a Pomeranian, find a Pomeranian.
12. Keep the Pomeranian.
13. Name it Susanna.
14. Include at least 3 Dirty Dancing lifts and synchronized Rockette’s kicks, focusing on the synchronization will take your minds off the fact that your family is broken, and you are faking happiness in a 14-second internet dance.
15. Jazz hands.
16. Go viral, generating a record-breaking 979 million views.
17. Get an E! reality TV show.
18. 10 seconds later Trump will ban TikTok.
19. Ivanka will endorse TikTok.
20. Trump will un-ban TikTok.
21. China will enjoy your jazz square.
22. Your show will get canceled.