New Tiered Pricing Model For The iPhone Calculator App

Free Tier

  • Restricted to subtraction functionality only
  • No access to the numbers 0 or 5
  • Limited to three computations per month

Copper Tier ($5/month):

  • Unlocks addition functionality
  • Can try the multiplication feature once
  • Accuracy of calculations improves to only being off by factor of 17

Aluminum Tier ($7/month, must be paid in only $2 bills):

  • The number 0 can be used after watching three-minute ad (ad displayed for each use)
  • Exponent button made visible but still not useable
  • Social feed: see what arithmetic your friends are executing

Fake Gold Tier (A lock of your hair): 

  • Trigonometric functions made available if you follow us on social media
    • Facebook → sin
    • Twitter → cos
    • Yelp → tan
  • No more electric shock when dividing

Silver Tier (One kidney and one other organ of your choice):

  • The m+/m- buttons become available, but we provide no indication as to what they do
  • Square root button made available if you message the kids from our high school about how successful we are now
  • Machine learning: we’ll guess what computation you were planning to enter and display the answer preemptively

Gold Tier (Both kidneys and subscribe to our email newsletter):

  • Private calculation mode: perform computations that you’d be embarrassed for your friends to see
  • Instructions for the m+/m- buttons, though access to the buttons is revoked
  • Every time you use the natural log function we’ll inject you with a progressively stronger dose of heroin

Platinum Tier (Create a RuneScape account, reach a combat level of 60 and then transfer account credentials to us):

  • We’ll start computing your answers correctly

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