How To Choose A Pandemic Pet

As the nation enters month six of the coronavirus crisis, many people are adopting pets to fill the void left by social distancing. Being trapped in your home is obviously the perfect time to take on new responsibility for another life. But which pet is the best fit for your home?

For constant company, try a DOG. Dogs are the obvious choice for extroverts who want a loyal companion with excellent listening skills or introverts seeking companionship unfettered by conversation. When forced to distance from your entourage, a dog will stay by your side and listen to your woes. Want to complain about your cancelled vacation? Vent about the impossible choice between remote and in-person learning? Your dog will listen without care or judgement.

If you are looking for quiet support, a CAT may be a better choice for you. Your cat not only won’t follow you from room to room but will ignore you entirely while you talk. If you are looking for affection, a cat will sometimes offer gentle rubs against your leg, but only if he’s in the mood. Because your cat relieves itself in a litter box, you don’t have to worry about walking it while trying to remain socially distanced. And, if you are extra lucky, your cat will bring you gifts of dead animals, a back up food source in times of uncertainty.

If the pandemic has taken all of your energy, leaving you with no more fucks to give, consider a non-mammal, such as an adorable SNAKE. Snakes only need to eat once every few weeks, so you can stay focused on bread baking and binge watching season 6 of Schitt’s Creek. It’s hard enough to feed yourself every day. Bonus: if you get a cat and a snake, the former may be able to provide dead rodents for the latter, reducing your number of pet store runs and leaving you time for another nap.

For those seeking validation of life’s current monotony, a HAMSTER will fill that role. Give your hamster a wheel and it will run in mindless circles, over and over, for what feels like eternity. In your hamster’s hopeful eyes, you will see the familiar but futile dream of going somewhere new. But no, you and your hamster are stuck on your respective hamster wheels, each day identical to the one before.

If you’ve been spending your days staring blankly out the window while calling it “working from home,” you might as well get a FISH. Then you can stare at your fish tank and listen to the repetitive sound of the bubbling filter. Your fish may even stare back at you. Don’t worry, it’s not judging your pandemic hairstyle. It’s just a fish.

For someone filled with anxiety, a CHAMELEON may be just the pet you are looking for. With its ever-roving eyes and 360-degree gaze, the chameleon will mirror your constant state of panic. What is that noise?! Is that a cricket?! Do hospitals have enough PPE? The chameleon also never looks happy, no matter what you do, so there is no pressure to perform for your pet. Feel free to be a ball of nerves; your chameleon will feel right at home.

Finally, for those who have completely cracked under the pressure of social distancing, a hairless guinea pig, or SKINNY PIG, is the pet for you. This creature is sure to keep you in hysterics with its baggy, wrinkled skin and frazzled facial hair. If you are feeling sad, try a little skin-to-skin contact with your naked pet. Note that if you take your skinny pig outside, it will need suntan lotion; don’t neglect preventative care, even during a pandemic. And, as this global health catastrophe drags into winter, you can replace your sewing of cloth masks with the knitting of tiny sweaters for your shivering rodent.

Whatever pet you choose, your mood is sure to be buoyed by your new companion. And, when you are stretched to the limit and curse the day you opted to add one more responsibility to your cluttered and tiresome life, just look into the loving eyes of your new pet. It’s totally worth the extra poop.

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