After a six month dry spell in the romance department, I’m finally back on the horse and, incidentally, having the best damn sex of my life — with demons! Sure, I now have ovarian cysts the size of clementines (can’t say I wasn’t warned — thank you, Ms. Immanuel!) but you would be out of your mind not to hop in the dream sack with these absolute stallions straight out of Hell:

1. BELPHEGOR

If you’re someone who’s unsure of what they like in bed, then Belphegor is the demon for you. Whether you’re an active participant in the ol’ giddy up or an ivory tower pillow princess, big balls Belphy will lead you down the road of sexual discovery. I had no idea that I’d be obsessed with nipple clamps, but when Mr. B brought out a pair of fetish capos made of jackal bone my attitude changed real quick! Now, I can’t imagine getting down and dirty when I go night-night without some serious purple nurples! Thank you, Beefygorgor!!

2. ABADDON

Looking to change things up and get unpredictable in your dream bed? Well, then you’d be remiss not to clap cheeks with Abaddon, aka A-Bad-One, who is a bottomless pit when it comes to his sexual appetite! Meow!! One minute you’re sitting on a lion’s face and the next you’re doing doggy with a plague of locusts. Sure, Abaddon is often associated with the realm of the dead, but I promise his moves on the WAP will give you new life. There ain’t nothing vanilla about this unholy romp!

3. BEELZEBUB

Wow. Easy Beezy is money between the dream sheets and is constantly cashing in at my spank bank! Don’t be surprised if in the middle of the pitchfork pork B-Bubs drops everything to lay waste to your dreamscape. War is kind of his thing. But, don’t freak. As soon as he’s done with his demonic warlord peacocking display, he’ll be charging right back to that booty! And you better surrender, honey! 

4. KRAMPUS

There isn’t anything better around the holidays than taking a sleigh ride into dream pound town with Krampus. This absolute unit of a goat demon makes the list because, honestly, pagan demons bring a lil’ something extra into the boudoir. Just when you’re ready to finish, K-Ramp whacks you with a tree branch — 11/10 edging!! Make sure to be extra shitty around Christmas and you’ll find yourself, not with a lump of coal, but with a hefty demon pole!

5. SATAN

Last but certainly not least, we have Satan himself making orgasms feel like 7.5 magnitude earthquakes while simultaneously forcing you to relive every single one of your mortal sins. When this twisted fallen angel crashes into your REM cycle, prepare for peak seduction and temptation like you’ve never experienced before. St. Michael can’t even protect you from Satan’s doings in the sack. Get ready for spanking, whipped cream, fire, apples, leather cuffs, a snake that can speak Latin, cherry flavored lube, and the complete and total damnation of your soul. They don’t call him the King for nothing!

Don’t settle for mediocre sex with someone you pity-swiped on Tinder! Pop an Ambien and get naughty with a demon! It’ll change the game, and possibly ruin your reproductive system. But hey, it’s worth it!