List: 10 All-Men Marketing Departments Pitch New Products To Attract More Women Customers

1.  Lady Duraflame fireplace logs: Women love a romantic fireplace burning in the background while they watch a Hugh Grant movie while twirling their hair around their index finger. Wrapped in sparkly pink paper, Lady Duraflames will burn as well as our classic firelog, but also give off every woman’s favorite scent: the cloying odor of a vanilla sugar candle.

2. Femme Rodente by Raid: Killing household pests has traditionally been a man’s job, but Raid will usher in a new era of gender inclusive pest extermination with Femme Rodente. Featuring a super long extension nozzle, women will now be able to spray those difficult-to-reach corners while standing on the kitchen table in high heels shrieking, “Eek, a mouse!” 

3. Swiffer Body Positive Sweeper: For too long, Swiffer has encouraged negative body image by only producing sweepers that promote a thin-centric model of female beauty. Swiffer recognizes that beautiful women come in all shapes, and now our sweepers do too. When women clean up pet hair, cracker crumbs, and cobwebs, they will now be able to do so using the mop that matches their body type, whether that’s our sensuous Hourglass WetJet, or our Pear-Shaped Ceiling Fan and Blind Duster.

4. Hellman’s Womayonnaise: Female customers’ tiny hands are no longer a barrier to getting a creamy scoop of Hellman’s. Womayonnaise has all the classic Hellman’s flavor you love, but packed into an easy-tear cardboard envelope instead of one of those challenging jars. Because we recognize and abhor the Pink Tax, Hellman’s is committed to charging the same for an 8 oz envelope of Womayonnaise as we do for a 20 oz jar and never a dime more. 

5. ArmorAll Girlboss Tire and Wheel Cleaner: ArmorAll has ignored the female demographic in our products for years, but Girlboss Tire and Wheel Cleaner is here to change that. When the trigger is squeezed, it not only dispenses not only tire cleaning solution, but plays a loud recording that says, “I don’t need a man to help me clean my tires!”

6. Angel Soft Her-Story Toilet Tissue: Every month is now Women’s History, or should we say “Her-story,” Month at Angel Soft. Every time you wipe, you’ll learn about heroes such as Susan B. Anthony, Sacajawea, or Clara Barton. Flush away the narrative that history was only written by men!

7. Dr. Dash Chipotle Pork Seasoning: Mrs. Dash hit the market in 1981, which was a very different time. Now, women are still making their husbands a pork roast for dinner every night, but they can also be doctors, too! Dr. Dash truly has it all: a career, a family, and no sodium. Mrs. Dash and Dr. Dash will be displayed so that the products are simultaneously looking down at each other at all times. 

8. Texas Instruments T-58008 Graphing Calculator: It’s true, women can do math, especially with a little encouragement. The T-58008 gives helpful feedback in the voice of an AI male mentor every time the user enters an equation, such as, “See honey, I knew you could figure it out!” and “Well actually, that wasn’t the best way to solve that, but good work anyway!” It’s a real confidence booster for an overworked lady brain. 

9. Fem-O-Dent by Fixodent Denture Adhesives: Let’s face it, wearing dentures isn’t something people typically smile about. And we all know, we need to smile more, especially the ladies! Fem-O-Dent solves that problem by adding extra adhesive that is applied to the front of the dentures, attaching to the interior of the cheek wall, and pulling the mouth open for a pearly-white grin. It’s a fact: women look prettier when they smile, and Fem-O-Dent takes the guesswork out of that for any broad with fake teeth.

10. Imodium BUT I DON’T ACTUALLY HAVE DIARRHEA IT’S FOR SOMEONE ELSE A-D: Women don’t like to admit they poop at all, let alone that they occasionally suffer from bouts of occasional diarrhea. Imodium BIDAHDIFSE A-D prints right on the package that the contents of the box are, in fact, for someone else, so that there are no questions or embarrassing looks from the cashier at Target. We take the humiliation out of purchasing diarrhea medication so that your explosive secret stays between you, your bathroom, and your Madame Marie Curie toilet paper. 

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