Omnipotentus (Your rented Xfinity-Xfi Modem.)
A voracious book-reading librarian who accidentally stuck their finger into an ethernet socket. They immediately gained all of the world’s knowledge. Instead of using their powers for good they willfully spread disinformation corrupting the world over. Omnipotentus’ only weaknesses are power outages and people willing to wait on hold for hours to cancel their service.
Mysterium (The eight-years-old slightly open box of baking soda in your fridge.)
No one really knows where they come from or who they are, or what their true intent is. They bring about mass confusion. And prevent mold, maybe? Your refrigerator breaking has been known to temporarily stop Mysterium, but a new one always takes its place.
Vortex Velociraptor (The Dyson vacuum your husband is still “fixing,” that broke after sucking up a Jurassic World Happy Meal toy.)
A day-shift meteorologist for the local Fox affiliate station was tired of just predicting the weather. With the help of a local mad scientist they tried a yet untested machine that could control the weather. Unfortunately, the device was also a half time machine. The meteorologist then became a half-daytime-Emmy-winner half-dinosaur who controls wind. Buying a new vacuum and Brandon cleaning his damn toys up like he’s supposed to makes this meteorologist extinct.
Stink Man (The one cushion on your couch that smells real bad. You know, the one the dog favors. Nothing can stop the smell, Febreeze, bleach, and even God can’t fix it.)
Spencer Jr, son of billionaire prank-toy tycoon Spencer Sr, accidentally fell into a vat of dangerous chemicals that are used to make their number one selling item, the stink bomb. Stink Man can now create a smell that distracts people so much they become unaware of the world around them. Stink Man is unstoppable.
The Mild Fog (The dehumidifier in the basement.)
Another local meteorologist, this one from a CBS affiliate station, became jealous of all the daytime Emmys Vortex Velociraptor kept winning. This meteorologist went to the same mad scientist to gain similar powers. Unfortunately, the scientist had already made tweaks to the machine. The Mild Fog cannot control the wind, but they can turn a dry day slightly damp and force cars to drive a few miles-per-hour slower than normal. Given a little bit of time the fog just disappears.
The Big Bad Sleep (The mattress from your first apartment that’s in the guest bedroom. It’s a bit lumpy and not level, but you almost never have people over.)
A Bed Bath & Beyond worker was in a tragic work-place accident with orthopedic-mattress toppers. After waking up they realized they could control other people’s sleep. The accident didn’t just give The Big Bag Sleep powers, they were also severely weakened. A Memorial Day Weekend Sale normally defeats them now.
The Trinity of Demons
They’re unique demons. Who do uniquely demon things.
Demon of Life (Photos of times when you were happy, like on vacation, or asleep, or asleep on vacation.)
They can make you relive all of your past mistakes with just a look. A ritual involving the adoption of a new puppy or hobby silences this Demon.
Demon of Time (All the books you own that you’ll never read.)
They can force you into an existential crisis with just a look. Some light spring-cleaning keeps this Demon at bay, for a little while.
Demon of Death
They can kill you with just a look, but a sense of style will send this Demon straight back to hell.
(You don’t know what inspired this one yet? It’s that fucking Thomas Kinkade painting your in-laws got for you.)