Cakes That Will Love You More Than Steve Ever Will

by Catherine Weingarten with illustrations by Gillian Henderson

Lemon Poppyseed Cake
This spongy yellow cake is a unique and fun cake to have at your table, filled with seeds that pop in your mouth like little pieces of confetti. The good thing is if you ask extra nice, Steve will hold a mirror up for three minutes, max, while you pick out the seeds that get stuck in your teeth ‘cause he’s such a sweetie bear.

Carrot Cake
This creamy cake is so yummy and nutritious because it contains carrots which are amazing for your overall health! You definitely need it, as Steve said you should work out more because he’s been monitoring your diet and it could be healthier. He’s so thoughtful!

Coffee Cake
This rich and crumbly cake is a great morning treat, with just the right amount of sugar to get your mind off the fact that Steve didn’t make eye contact all morning because he’s “texting his more-fun-than-you homies.” Oh well!

This miniature cake comes in so many fun flavors and is perfect for a delicious afternoon treat. Lately, Steve has been gone every day from the hours 5-9 p.m. to catch up with his cousin about “family issues” so that’s a perfect time to bake, decorate and devour one or fifteen of these cute little thangs.

Apple Cake
This classic, all-American cake is a perfect afternoon treat and can also remind Steve how wholesome you are and how no, you don’t want your frenemy Beth from high school to join you in the bedroom for some “afternoon delight” even if she does “look hot on Facebook.”

Key Lime Pie
This old-fashioned pie brimming with the sweet and sour taste of lime is perfect for a dinner party. Steve threw a dinner party for all his favorite people in the world in your apartment and assumed you knew you were invited but didn’t ask first, even though it’s your apartment. Now there’s no extra space, but with this pie (I know cakes are better for dinner parties but Steve is a jerk who doesn’t care about pastries), it’ll feel like you were there, and will taste really good when you eat it in your bedroom alone.

Wedding Cake
This decadent 5 or more-layer cake is the perfect indulgence and a symbol of true hearts uniting. Steve said he should be ready to propose in “3-6 years” when “you’re more ready,” but fortunately you got drunk yesterday and stole a wedding cake from the display case at the bakery. While you munch on this bougie cake, imagine he loves you so much he can’t wait another second to propose to you.

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