Articles I, A Walking Dumpster Fire, Would Like To See In Women’s Magazines

Women’s magazines, a national treasure. They’re great for advice on fitness, dating, and fun places to jerk off your spouse; however, I’ve noticed a lack of representation for those of us who hate working out, haven’t dated since Reagan was in office, and still find the couch the best for a good old-fashioned handy. 

I’ve read too many articles that have never–and will never–apply to me, a walking dumpster fire. “How to turn your favorite blazer from day to night”? I own one blazer and it’s been in my closet longer than my high school boyfriend. 

I need women’s magazines to start appealing to the masses — the mismatched-sock-wearing, expired-milk-keeping, one-fork-owning, masses. Listen up, Marie Claire: the time for change is now. 

Here are some articles I would love to see in a women’s magazine: 

  1. Places to See Before You Die a Horrible, Horrible Death
    At the rate you’re going, let’s be honest. You aren’t going to make it past 30.
  1. Foods Least Likely to Trigger Your IBS
    How many times can you shit yourself and not realize chicken paprikash isn’t meant for you?
  1. People Who Changed the World Only Slightly 
    Let’s stop reaching for the top. The middle is just fine. 
  1. Dinners to Make Him to Show You’re More Than Just a Cum Dumpster
    You gotta stop slapping fat-free cream cheese on a bagel and calling it “brunch.” 
  1. Household Items That Double as a Bowl
    You cannot eat soup on a plate. Go to Target and buy a fucking bowl.
  1. Surfaces to Leave Your Unwashed Dishes On for a Week (#4 May Surprise You)
    The counter inches from the sink is too predictable. Time to switch things up! 
  1. So You Got Fired Again — Here’s Oprah’s Advice:
    Sometimes you are the problem!
  1. Places to Cry in Public with the Best View
    Stop crying in the parking garage when you have BLANK right outside your front door!
  1. “Typing Fast AF,” and Other Skills That Don’t Belong on a Job Resume
    You don’t have “great people skills,” you have a cocaine addiction.  
  1. How to Get Away with Using Your Roommate’s Laundry Detergent
    At least figure out how to hide it, you cheap hag. 
  1. Reasons Your Cat Doesn’t Need an Instagram
    You’re only using it to stalk your ex who blocked your account anyway. Leave Mittens out of it. 
  1. Hairstyles You Can Do Still Drunk from the Night Before
    Everyone at work knows you’re hammered. Just put your hair in a goddamn ponytail. 

And last but not least,

  1. Pop Songs to Listen to While You Wait for Your Pregnancy Test to Season
    Show off your best moves before the morning sickness sets in! 

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