Women’s magazines, a national treasure. They’re great for advice on fitness, dating, and fun places to jerk off your spouse; however, I’ve noticed a lack of representation for those of us who hate working out, haven’t dated since Reagan was in office, and still find the couch the best for a good old-fashioned handy.
I’ve read too many articles that have never–and will never–apply to me, a walking dumpster fire. “How to turn your favorite blazer from day to night”? I own one blazer and it’s been in my closet longer than my high school boyfriend.
I need women’s magazines to start appealing to the masses — the mismatched-sock-wearing, expired-milk-keeping, one-fork-owning, masses. Listen up, Marie Claire: the time for change is now.
Here are some articles I would love to see in a women’s magazine:
- Places to See Before You Die a Horrible, Horrible Death
At the rate you’re going, let’s be honest. You aren’t going to make it past 30.
- Foods Least Likely to Trigger Your IBS
How many times can you shit yourself and not realize chicken paprikash isn’t meant for you?
- People Who Changed the World Only Slightly
Let’s stop reaching for the top. The middle is just fine.
- Dinners to Make Him to Show You’re More Than Just a Cum Dumpster
You gotta stop slapping fat-free cream cheese on a bagel and calling it “brunch.”
- Household Items That Double as a Bowl
You cannot eat soup on a plate. Go to Target and buy a fucking bowl.
- Surfaces to Leave Your Unwashed Dishes On for a Week (#4 May Surprise You)
The counter inches from the sink is too predictable. Time to switch things up!
- So You Got Fired Again — Here’s Oprah’s Advice:
Sometimes you are the problem!
- Places to Cry in Public with the Best View
Stop crying in the parking garage when you have BLANK right outside your front door!
- “Typing Fast AF,” and Other Skills That Don’t Belong on a Job Resume
You don’t have “great people skills,” you have a cocaine addiction.
- How to Get Away with Using Your Roommate’s Laundry Detergent
At least figure out how to hide it, you cheap hag.
- Reasons Your Cat Doesn’t Need an Instagram
You’re only using it to stalk your ex who blocked your account anyway. Leave Mittens out of it.
- Hairstyles You Can Do Still Drunk from the Night Before
Everyone at work knows you’re hammered. Just put your hair in a goddamn ponytail.
And last but not least,
- Pop Songs to Listen to While You Wait for Your Pregnancy Test to Season
Show off your best moves before the morning sickness sets in!