Notes From The Diary Of An Unemployed Career Counselor

Written sitting in a closet after being inspired by Anne Frank

I lost my job way before the pandemic. So I know how it feels. These uncertain times make my vocation all the more important. I want to help as many people get back in the workforce as I can

Yesterday, I saw a guy walking on the street. And I told him, there’s a treadmill company somewhere out there that needs you. They need to test their treadmills. Which is why they hire professional walkers to walk on those things. And if you are good enough, you might even get promoted to a runner some day. But the guy probably wasn’t interested in getting a job and just walked on.

Can’t help but feel nostalgic as I contemplate why I became a career counsellor. I was quite confused about it. I wasn’t very knowledgeable or empathetic or in any way suited for this profession. It was just that I was born into a family of career counsellors and I didn’t know what else one could do to make a living.

That’s my one tip to anyone who can’t afford my services: do what your parents do and get on with your life.

I suck at a lot of things in life, but I can’t suck up. It’s my only weakness, professionally speaking. If I was a suck up, I would have become the Talent Acquisition Head of a Fortune 500 company by now.

I once had a client who was a sociopath. It had reached a point that his work was being affected because of it. That’s when I gave him some life-changing advice. I suggested he try his luck in politics. The last I heard of him, he was running for his second term in the coming presidential elections. 

I can afford to hire at least one person and give their career a good launchpad. If any woman in the world (personality and looks don’t matter) is up for the job of my girlfriend, I’ll send her the offer letter right away. Also, she can work from home as long as it’s mine. 

Pep talk to self: I spend a lot of my time scrolling through conflicting Internet articles. Or stalking my crush on LinkedIn. Or self-diagnosing for chronic diseases. It seems I may have a talent for research. I ought to start researching medicine, specifically for the COVID-19 vaccine.

But I’m not very smart. And I don’t have a degree in pharmacology. And don’t even know what a vaccine is, exactly. But these are just excuses stopping me from reaching my fullest potential.

Remember this, if I make this vaccine, my career will be sorted forever.

Received my unemployment benefits today. So, I’ll go buy some toilet paper and hoard it. Maybe I should write these notes on toilet paper.

Malnourished children in Nigeria who walk two hours every day to get drinking water, or unemployed youth with student loans to pay for the next three years. Both are tragic. Getting employment after you graduate college should be a human right though.

I went out for a walk in the morning today. As I was passing the garden, I heard some people laughing loudly, they were practicing laughter yoga.

And I did something good. I gave these people the card of a recruiter who could get them a job as laughter artists – people whose fake laughs are added to TV shows to trick the viewers into laughing. Yes, that’s a career most career counsellors will overlook. Not me. As I was leaving the whole group started laughing again, I don’t know if they were laughing with me or at me.

One day, I’ll publish these notes. I’m sure they’ll give people hope and inspire them to apply for their dream job.

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