by Elizabeth Keizner
Thank you so much for responding to my post in NYC Parent Forum. I realize this is all very last-minute and am thrilled you’d consider being the teacher for our learning pod. We’re not really feeling super confident now that schools will open as planned and we can’t work and do homeschool full-time anymore. I’m losing my hair and just got a mouth guard because of grinding my teeth at night. I mean, come on.
So, here we go. I don’t think this will take that long:
1. What is your experience with young children?
2. Have you ever worked in a school?
3. Are you comfortable with wearing a mask at all times, and with having the other children in our learning pod wear them too?
4. Will you judge me if I lie down sometimes in the middle of the day after reading the news alerts on my phone?
5. And if I’m crying while I do that, will that change your judgment of me?
6. And finally, if I call my parents and find out they’re still undecided about who to vote for in November and I start screaming, could you just quietly close my bedroom door?
7. (Also, could you please not tell the other parents in the pod about that?)
8. How many children would you feel comfortable working with? I was thinking six maximum but would like to hear your views on this.
9. How do you feel about day drinking, or smoking pot? Personally, I’m not a smoker, but Seth Rogen seems happy without losing productivity or a moral code, so maybe I need to re-think that. Sometimes I feel like my antidepressant isn’t cutting it anymore.
10. Have you read Midnight Sun, the new sequel to Twilight that’s from Edward’s point of view? I forgot how controlling he is. The story tries to justify it and after a while I found him so stalkerish. It’s like, Bella cannot truly be at risk of imminent death every single day, Edward! Ugh. But I still read the whole thing.
11. Would you be comfortable with getting periodic COVID tests? We would do the same.
12. I used to comfort myself by reading happy stories about Prince Harry and Meghan Markle but that’s all gone to hell. Who can I cheer myself up with now? Ben Affleck and Ana De Armas? It’s not the same!
13. You’re right. That Netflix deal they got was a very positive development in their lives. Thank you for your understanding and the perspective shift. Hey, you’re a good teacher!
14. Do you ever wish Kirsten Dunst and Jake Gyllenhaal would get back together? I used to, but Jesse Plemons seems really cool. I guess I just need to accept that this is a different time and move on.
15. I hope I’m not being too weird. I haven’t seen most of my friends in about six months and it’s just nice to talk to an adult besides my husband.
16. Do you know how to use a scanner, and do you have one of your own? There’s also a scanner app you can download for your phone, if you’re open to that.
17. If school reopening gets pushed back again or cancelled altogether, are you available to do this every day?
18. Do you prefer PayPal, Venmo, or cash?
19. If I say something about wanting to cryogenically freeze myself for 12 months, or until this is all behind us, don’t worry, I’m kidding. Really, it’s gallows humor, nothing more! Seriously. Ha ha ha.
20. When can you start?