Dear Amazon family,
It has been brought to my attention that our company has the carbon footprint of a small nation. We produce almost as much greenhouse gas emissions as Switzerland! This is unacceptable, and I expect you all to do better.
Amazon is a people-driven company, and we are thrilled to offer our employees many benefits just for working here, like getting paid. However, I cannot stand for the environmentally-unfriendly workplace behavior that is so pervasive in our facilities. Because of the wastefulness and lack of any empathy among our employees towards the planet, I have decided to implement the following green policies across all Amazon Fulfillment Centers, effective immediately:
Employee Efficiency, But Make it Green: Warehouse surveillance cameras will now upcycle batteries taken from employee personal devices, such as MP3 players, cell phones, and pacemakers.
“Let’s Move!” Initiative: Each Fulfillment Center will be outfitted with an indoor cycling gym. Furthermore, warehouse lights and air-conditioning will be powered by employees pedaling these stationary bikes, incentivizing exercise, reducing our carbon footprint, and getting you off your lazy asses. (Surveillance cameras, however, will never turn off.)
Company-Wide Straw Ban: Following the footsteps of our colleagues at Whole Foods, we, too, will enact a zero-tolerance policy on plastic straws at all our Fulfillment Centers. The mere usage of a straw will lead to on-the-spot termination. By high-powered laser or hydraulic press. Your choice!
Commitment To End Food Waste: Horatio, our new, 300-lb cafeteria droid made from refurbished Kindle Fire Tablets and the bones of insubordinate employees, will supervise the cafeteria, and make sure you eat every last crumb of your meal during your annual lunch break.
Zero Waste Latrines: To further reduce water and paper waste, we’ve removed all toilets and dug a giant hole out back. Just head outside and shit wherever.
Reusable Water Bottles: Amazon will provide each employee with an aluminum, reusable bottle, which you may use to relieve yourself on the warehouse floor, and carry water. I think we all saw the leaked (haha, pun), viral picture of that warehouse pee bottle and honestly? Shame on that worker for using plastic. I won’t tolerate waste like that in my green warehouse.
Let The Bodies Hit The Floor: Going forward, anyone else who collapses during their shift will immediately be processed into high-grade fertilizer, so that they will continue to nourish the earth long after their usefulness to our company has expired.
Lastly, please indicate the amount of time you spent reading this memo, so our payroll team can subtract it from your next check.
Thank you, team.