I’m The Guy Who Used To Debate Your AP US History Teacher, And I’ve Only Gotten Worse

Well, it’s me – I’m sure you remember my greatest hits, such as “actually Germany should have won, they were just fighting two fronts at once” or my more controversial “actually George Washington did free his slaves” (I stand by that no matter what your leftist  “historians” say). Now, as then, I bear the heavy crown of knowledge, the gift yet curse of wisdom, and I have not tired from my relentless quest to bequeath it, willing or not, upon the masses. For I am the Rational Man, the light of truth against the dark of postmodern Marxist quackery, and the world it seems needs my service now more than ever. Our high school history teacher may have been the first foe felled by my axe of knowledge, but he shall hardly be the last.

Indeed, in this time of “cancel culture” the hawks of political correctness abound and reason herself is buffeted by the winds of outrage. “Activists” dare judge me by the color of my skin, just because am I a white man, if that were not already obvious? Need I remind them of the fragment of Martin Luther King Jr’s speech I read half of once before returning to Call of Duty? They come for science, too – using the crude cudgel of language to distort the simple fact that actually, there are only two genders, a fact I need nothing other than my intuition and latent biases to support. To these hysterical, overly dramatic gender-studies types I say this: ask me to spare a thought for how I address others and you may as well just skip the formalities and guillotine me right here, or flay the flesh from my very bone.

These emotional children think politics and history can be understood in the 280-characters of a tweet. Knave fools – these are the domains of great tomes and volumes, such as the stacks I have on my shelf before me; pristine and untouched now, sure, but soon to be well-worn once I finish getting to Bronze in League of Legends. They seek to confuse me, throw me off my stance with new terms like “intersectional” or “discourse” – I can only smirk. To think words would ever entangle me, a STEM major who did high school debate. I haven’t learned a new word since 2017, and I don’t intend to start now. Logic and deduction – these are my trusted weapons, and if they could get me an internship at my uncle’s company they can be the pillars upon which I defend Western Civilization, nay the Enlightenment itself, against its timeless enemies – universities, the arts, urbanites, and of course Europeans.

Tireless is the task, and often thankless. But like a shadow in the night, I watch the streets below, ready to pounce on those asking us to reconsider any of our myriad historical and social assumptions. Will I be remembered? It’s hard to imagine I won’t, as with each leftist crushed underfoot surely my reputation which began in that high school classroom grows evermore. What will be my legacy? Well, an America restored, of course; a culture vindicated, and even a –

What, Mom? Who? From Fox? Is it Tucker? No, let me know when it’s Tucker. I SAID LET ME KNOW WHEN IT’S TUCKER! Or maybe Hannity, but I’m not leaving my room unless it’s prime time! And let me know if the White House calls back, I want to hear six figures. What? I love you too. I SAID I LOVE YOU TOO!

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