An Investigation Into The Hot Gossip In My Venmo News Feed

I quit social media. I’m off everything, Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, Tik Tok, Apple Stocks, Duolingo, Compass. My screentime is down. I am only on my phone for an average of 70 hours a day. I don’t need social media to connect with people. Instead, I just check Venmo. Also, this doesn’t count as social media because it is technically a banking app, I am learning about finance.

Venmo posts:

Former co-worker Chad paid former co-worker Sarah, listed the emojis: ‘baby and goodbye waving hand’

Interesting.

Former co-worker Allieysuhn paid former co-worker Trish, listed the emojis: ‘lobster, ice cream, weight lifter, fairies, cheeseburger, and piano’

That purchase is obvious: ecstasy.

Allieysuhn paid Sarah with the emojis: ‘fire, heart, dripping water, fire, fire, fire, fire, heart, peach’

Woah? This is taking a turn.

OMG. Allieysuhn paid Corbin? Ah, Corbin, my long-time, unrequited office crush, Corbin.

Emojis: ‘Electricity, water, fire’

Do they live together? ARE THEY DATING???

Corbin paid Allieysuhn: ‘SANDWICH!!!!!!’

Is this a metaphor or did he order a sandwich?

OMG OMG OMG

Chad paid Allieysuhn: ‘orange heart, pencil, bed with a man in it, shopping cart, flashlight, and eggplant’

Suspicious…

Jan paid Corbin: ‘last rent, good luck moving buddy!’

Hmmm. So, Corbin just moved out of his place with Jan, and now does live with Allieysuhn? But she’s sleeping with both Sarah AND Chad???

It’s evident. Everyone from my junior year internship is having premarital sexual intercourse.

Bertha paid Jan: ‘soup’

I think that one just means Bertha bought soup.

Bertha paid Chad: ‘hockey emoji, bubble bath, grandfather clock’

Not sure what sort of arrangement that implies but it’s clear, Chad’s stamina is unmatched.

Allieysuhn paid Chad: ‘83 white claws, 4 eggplants, 5 peaches’

…THAT DOUBLE CHEATING BITCH, SHE DOESN’T DESERVE CORBIN. SHE DOESN’T DESERVE HIS INQUISITIVE EYE FOR ICELANDIC LITERATURE AND KNACK FOR PULLING OFF SWEATER COLLAR COMBOS IN JUNE.

Wait…Corbin just paid Allieysuhn, ‘wedding emoji and wrote “venue deposit”’

OH, HELL NO!!!!!!!!

‘SHE DOESN’T LOVE YOU CORBIN, SHE’S BOINKING THE ENTIRE OFFICE EXCEPT FOR BERTHA, BUT PROBABLY ALSO BERTHA WHO KNOWS? SHE’S A TROLLOP!! DON’T MARRY HER, SHE CANNOT FORMAT COLUMNS IN EXCEL AND THINKS LATVIA IS IN SPAIN!!!!!!’

Oh No.

Oh my god.

Oh my god.

I just commented on their Venmo post. That wasn’t in my head, I typed that!!!!!

Oh my god.

Carl the copy guy from work was right.

I am a beautiful genius.

Venmo isn’t just a banking app.

It’s also an investigation into human behavior.

I use my wisdom of finance to analyze Venmo transactions.

And through that, I uncover struggles in people’s relationships and spare them from heartbreak.

Wow.

I save lives.

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