God’s Out Of Office

—Forwarded Prayer—–
From: Bob Zinfandel <Bob@Comcast.net>
Date: September 2nd, 2020 at 6:07am. Also at 8:09am. Then again at 10:37am.
To: God <Everything@Nothing.Org>
RE: Please smite my boss Brian for blatantly showing off his expensive apartment in Zoom meetings. We get it, you have a Steinway and outdoor space in Manhattan. Go fuck yourself.   

Thank you for your prayer. 

I will be out-of-heaven for a while with limited access to my usual omnipotence. I say “a while” because I don’t want to attach a timeline to it. I have something I need to do. Don’t worry about what. It’s important, trust me.

For any urgent matters, please pray to Jesus. He shalt be running things in the interim. Just be patient, because he’s running things all by himself right now. The Holy Spirit is in Cabo for a little vacay. Terrible timing, yes, but everyone deserves a break. 

If your current problem (however shitty it might seem to you) might turn out to be part of an unfathomably mysterious plan (which it is), please just don’t pray at all. The system is already backlogged. I really just want Jesus to have an easy go of it. I still think of the guy as the fruit of a womb. And between you and me, he still sees taking over the family biz as having failed in “the real world.” Which is absurd, obviously. He’s exactly where he should be: fulfilling his destiny to rule the kingdom of heaven. But fair enough, he was absolutely crucified by the real world and is only just starting to enjoy his corner office up here.

In the unlikely scenario you are praying for someone else, thank you. It’s nice to know that someone gets me. 

If you feel you are favored by me (I’m looking you: Christians, Jews, and Muslims) and entitled to a special exemption, I welcome you to apply for immediate Guardian Angel Assistance. We’ve had a record number of applicants this year, so let me remind you how to qualify:

1)    Devote your time to helping other people. If you are one of the 4 people who have actually done this, no need to apply. We will find you. 

2)    Apply by phone at 1-800-IM-SPECIAL. The wait times are a longer than usual, so be patient. Just sit back and appreciate the immaculate beauty that radiates from all things. If you don’t see the beauty, hang up and try again.

3)    Donate your money to charity. I know it sounds like I’m beating a dead horse here. But I’m not. I would never do that. I created horses. They are magnificent creatures. Did you know they get completely airborne when they run? It’s literally amazing. 

4)    Be the change you wish to see in the world. A cliché, sure, but I created clichés for a reason. They are magnificent, just like horses. I’m honestly confused why you tire of them so easily. 

And lastly, since I have you here, I’m going to be honest. I’m in rehab right now. I was at a party and Satan came out of nowhere and casually offered me some coke. He was so nonchalant about it. I just said, “Sure” without even really thinking about it. That was like three thousand years ago. It’s been a blur. Being strung out in Heaven every day has been awful. I kept telling myself, “This is heaven, if you can’t be happy here, you will never be happy.” Anyway, I’m at this place called Celestial Gardens. I’m really determined to get better this time. Not just for me, but for all of the people I created too. On the way here I did one final miracle in the car, but it was just more evidence I had a problem, because it created this awful flu nobody likes. Then when I got here, they took my phone because I kept texting Bitmojis with Mother Teresa. She’s so fun. Love her.

Anyway, before you judge me, remember that I am your final judge. That’s not a threat, but you know, something to keep in mind. Also remember that addiction is a disease. The fact that I’m not dead or badly maimed is a total miracle. I am a miracle. I need to tell myself that right now.

Take it easy, 
God

PS. Just because I was snorting Cupid dust doesn’t mean my work isn’t perfect. A little rough around the edges? Sure. But that’s part of the magic of creation. Look at the dog. I think you’d agree: a happy accident. Like little horses, but with a different pooping style. So yeah, just relax. I was worried you might start spinning out and think, “Um, what?! Maybe I should be an atheist again…” You shouldn’t! Remember how miserable you were? You were miserable.  

PPS. Stop saying “God forbid.” I don’t forbid anything. If it was forbidden, it wouldn’t exist. And anyway, you’re being smarmy. It’s annoying. Knock it off. 

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