Online first grade is soul-sucking, she texted me

There’s no time to work or think logically

School warden isn’t my master’s degree

There must be fifty ways to leave online school

She said, I’ll say it plainly to not be misconstrued 

The assumption that I’m available for unpaid labor is kind of rude

And I’ll repeat myself at the risk of being crude

There must be fifty ways to leave online school

Fifty ways to leave online school

You just join a pod, Todd

Make a homeschool plan, Stan

You don’t need to be coy, Joy

Just get yourself free

Take a charter bus, Gus

You don’t need to discuss much

Just drop off your kid, Sid

And get yourself free

Ooh, you better be rich, Mitch

To work that plan, Stan

Better take out a loan, Joan

You just listen to me

Quit your nice job, Bob

You don’t need to cry, Ry

Just call your boss a fool, Raul

And get yourself free

She said, it grieves me so to see you in such pain

I wish people would social distance so we can have real school again 

I said, I agree with that and would you please explain

About the fifty ways

She said, why don’t we drink and doomscroll tonight?

And I believe in the morning you’ll begin to see the light

Then I coaxed my kid back to her desk and realized she was right

There must be fifty ways to leave online school

Put yourself on mute, Newt

Decline the zoom call, Saul

You don’t need to be coy, Joy

Just get yourself free

Take a homework pass, Jax

You don’t need to discuss much

Just take out your kid, Sid

And get yourself free

You need more cash, Nash

To join a pod, Todd

And build a safety net, Jet

You just listen to me

This sure ain’t fun, Son

We don’t have a vaccine, Noreen

So mask your face, Ace

And get us all free