
Online first grade is soul-sucking, she texted me
There’s no time to work or think logically
School warden isn’t my master’s degree
There must be fifty ways to leave online school
She said, I’ll say it plainly to not be misconstrued
The assumption that I’m available for unpaid labor is kind of rude
And I’ll repeat myself at the risk of being crude
There must be fifty ways to leave online school
Fifty ways to leave online school
You just join a pod, Todd
Make a homeschool plan, Stan
You don’t need to be coy, Joy
Just get yourself free
Take a charter bus, Gus
You don’t need to discuss much
Just drop off your kid, Sid
And get yourself free
Ooh, you better be rich, Mitch
To work that plan, Stan
Better take out a loan, Joan
You just listen to me
Quit your nice job, Bob
You don’t need to cry, Ry
Just call your boss a fool, Raul
And get yourself free
She said, it grieves me so to see you in such pain
I wish people would social distance so we can have real school again
I said, I agree with that and would you please explain
About the fifty ways
She said, why don’t we drink and doomscroll tonight?
And I believe in the morning you’ll begin to see the light
Then I coaxed my kid back to her desk and realized she was right
There must be fifty ways to leave online school
Put yourself on mute, Newt
Decline the zoom call, Saul
You don’t need to be coy, Joy
Just get yourself free
Take a homework pass, Jax
You don’t need to discuss much
Just take out your kid, Sid
And get yourself free
You need more cash, Nash
To join a pod, Todd
And build a safety net, Jet
You just listen to me
This sure ain’t fun, Son
We don’t have a vaccine, Noreen
So mask your face, Ace
And get us all free