This Week’s Pumpkin Obituaries

RABINOWITZ, PUMPKIN

Pumpkin Rabinowitz passed away suddenly October 6, 2020 at the age of 4 and a half months. He entered into the gates of the heavenly pumpkin orchard due to a painful death by carving, the number one killer of pumpkins in America. The carving itself was performed as a satanic ritual during which its perpetrators were seen smiling and laughing. Mr. Rabinowitz was found abandoned on a stoop. During his long life, “Pumpy,” as many of his dear friends called him, enjoyed being thrown around in dirt, getting water poured on him once a day, and being pointed at by children during the fall season. Pumpy loved his caregiver, Farmer Joe, in the later weeks of his life. He is survived by his wife of 50 days, Barbara, and their only child, Lil Pump. In lieu of flowers, memorial contributions may be made to Lil Pump’s scholarship to pursue studies at the nicer orchard across the street, where they’re taught how to be smart enough to complete a corn maze.

MAGLIANO, PUMPKIN

Pumpkin Magliano, 3 months, was murdered in cold blood on October 2, 2020 simply for getting into the wrong patch of pumpkins. Pumpkin was a good squash. He had good seeds. He was a known jokester, enjoyed performing magic tricks, and was a long-time, faithful member of Basilica of Our Lady St. Patch, where he was a soprano in the choir. But when he hit peak ripeness, he moved onto a grocery store because of his gorgeous complexion and freshness. He was “popular.” This in turn led him to be put into a bad situation, set out at the organic section of a Trader Joe’s. The next thing he knew, he was bought by a woman in Lululemon leggings, taken to a cul-de-sac where all the houses look the same, and was then gutted alive, burned, and eaten by those he trusted. His entrails were dumped into a food processor before being cooked and topped with whipped cream. Unfortunately, not one of his hundreds of pumpkin seeds survived the murder as they were burnt alive at 450 degrees for 15 minutes, turned over halfway. Pumpkin’s family hopes that by sharing the details of his gruesome killing, other pumpkins can learn from his death and the pressures that come along with being beautiful.

DAVIDSON, PUMPKIN

Pumpkin Davidson died October 4, 2020 at the young age of 2 months. He was found splattered across a New York City sidewalk in what his family thought was a suicide, as he was having a tough time with the fact that he hadn’t been picked up by a family at the orchard; however, it was later revealed in a high-profile case that he was dropped from a six-story building by bored teenagers. We hope Pumpkin’s death sends a message to all local teens looking for ways to kill fruit on a Tuesday night is to stick to Fruit Ninja. Pumpkin loved his long-time friends, Gourd, Corn, and of course Scarecrow. He had dreams of working at a non-profit to ensure at-risk pumpkins would have the resources they needed to survive Halloween celebrations. Pumpkin Davidson is survived by his husband Pete and their adopted son from the neighboring farm, Gary the Gourd. 

HOLMES, PUMPKIN

The life of Pumpkin Holmes was cut short this past October 7, 2020 when he passed on surrounded by his friends and family. Pumpkin was sprouted August 1, 2020, to parents Seed, Water, and Sunshine. He was very proud of his “modern family,” as he liked to call it. Pumpkin served in the Coast Gourd from August 5 to August 18, 2020, where he earned a Purple Squash for his service in the Battle of the Beetle. Ultimately, his stem had to be amputated, and he was honorably discharged before retiring to Cedarville Farms, where he lived the remainder of his life. Tragically, Pumpkin was horrendously decapitated via bat by enraged Smashing Pumpkins fans who were distraught over the band’s cancellation of several cities along their 2020-2021 North American tour due to COVID-19. Friends and family may call at Cedarville Farms this Sunday at 11 a.m., where Pumpkin’s remains will be decomposed and scattered into the dirt as fertilizer. Donations can be made to Pumpkin’s family via a GoFundMe, which is linked on The Smashing Pumpkins’ official website.

PATTERSON, PUMPKIN

Pumpkin Patterson, also known as P.P., peacefully passed away on October 1, 2020. Born September 2, 2019, she died of natural causes due to weathering and the unforgiving passage of time. P.P. is especially grateful to her adoptive parents for being too lazy to carve her, as was the disheartening reality of many of her loved ones. Because of their pure sloth, P.P. was able to survive an entire calendar year until she was just a stain on the sidewalk because her guardians did not want to clean up her decomposed body. She was happy to enjoy the full Halloween experience by being completely ignored by children as they rang strangers’ doorbells for candy. She was hoping to make it to this year’s election to vote against another orange fruit, but encourages people to do so as her last dying wish.

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