What’s up?! It’s your favorite personal trainer, Chet, here with an exciting newsletter. It’s been such a wild year and along the way I ended up finding my true passion in life: exercising demons. Like finding an extra protein powder scoop at the bottom of your gym bag, this discovery came as quite the unexpected surprise.
One day a church in England slid into my email requesting my service to exorcise some demons. For those of you who may not be as cultured as I, “exorcise” is the British spelling of “exercise.” You know me, I’m motivated by two things, money and gains, so as soon as I saw the paycheck the church was offering, I used my sweet TD bank card and overdrafted a first class seat across the pond.
I was four ounces of sliced turkey breast and half a season of Prison Break deep on the airplane ride over when I realized I never trained a demon before. Also demons? I’ve trained everyone from meatheads to juiceheads to a couple of real b-i-t-c-hes, but never a demon. So like a professional, I went to research demons, but mind you, I overdrafted my debit card for the plane ride, which meant paying for in-flight WiFi was unfortunately not in my cards, so like a professional, I decided I would learn on the job.
Now that I’m a couple weeks into my demon training, let me tell you, I’ve learned an astronomical amount. For real, I could write a book, but I can’t think of a sick enough title, so it’ll have to wait. For now, I want to share a couple of things I’ve learned along the way.
Whether your demon has gained the quarantine 15 or wants to bulk up for Halloween–I’ve got the know-how on how to properly exercise your demons.
Warm Ups: Just like us humans, it’s important for demons to warm up before any physical activity. Warm ups can be anything from jumping jacks to a light jog or stretching. Most of the demons I’ve trained go wild for stretching and they are stupid flexible too. I’m talking head all the way around. It’s spooky.
Cardio for Demons: Before I came to England to train the demons, they were running amok around the town, now the demons are running laps around the track. Well, most of them, a couple of them prefer crawling on all fours, which is totally okay, but definitely terrifying.
*BONUS: I’ve smashed my PR for the mile since I’ve got here. Nothing like a literal demon chasing you to help you run faster.
Strength Training: Everyone knows Chet’s speciality is getting people hella ripped and these demons are no exception. They gain muscle like I’ve never seen before. It’s truly bone-chilling how huge they are. Demons are down to lift almost anything you give them, however, they went absolute apeshit when we tried bench pressing Bibles and crosses; it was a tad dramatic.
Nutrition: I was trying to push protein shakes on these demons, but they’re all about animal protein- literally blood thirsty. Once, this demon, who I nicknamed Carl, caught this mouse and swallowed it whole! It made me sad for the mouse, but I gotta respect the hustle–Carl has an eight pack
So I was just informed that I was supposed to be exorcising the demons, which is not the British spelling of exercising. Turns out the church didn’t need a personal trainer and my email is one letter off from a world renowned exorcist. To top it off now everyone is super pissed that there’s a room full of jacked demons, but you know what, if they took the time to get to know them, they’d fall in love with them just like I did. I know I was sent to exercise the demons, but in the end, they exercised me. My best mates.
Keep an eye out for mine and the demon’s new Youtube channel “Exercising Demons with Chet!” where we’ll show you specific exercises, recipes, and maybe some prank calls or TikTok dances.