1. Do you hang out near large communities of pubescent teenage girls who seem like they’re constantly PMSing? Do they say things that cut your soul, like calling you Boomer even though you’re 35 and a Millennial, thank you very much?
a. No, I live in San Francisco and everyone walks slowly and is creepily nice.
b. No, I live in New York and everyone acts like this or shouts slurs about my vagina.
c. Yes, but I offered to buy them beer so they’d be nicer to me. Will that work?
2. When I say Cotton Mather, you say:
b. Wow, what a puritanical dude. But cool hair, bruh.
b. Nothing, you just pull out the leftover garlic you held up to the TV when Laura Ingram appeared on the screen.
3. Do you display any of the following behaviors? Failing to attend church (Zoom Mass doesn’t count), being poor, being BIPOC, or coming from a different country because you were enslaved.
a. No, I’m white, rich, godly, and perfect.
b. I go to church on Easter. Good enough?
c. Yes, I fall into one or more of these categories but have tried to repent, especially when I was enslaved.
4. When you jump into a pool, do you sink or float?
a. I used to float, but then I went on a diet.
b. It depends if there’s a floaty present.
c. Trick question! This wasn’t the trial of choice in America. Ask me again about how I can conduct myself in the face of pubescent girls hurling insults at me.
5. Does your dog like witch cake?
a. My dog eats anything, so probably.
c. C’mon. The smell of urine to my dog is like what Bella Swan’s blood was to Edward Cullen.
6. Are you possessed by the devil?
7. Are you pregnant?
a. Yes, but I’m also a witch.
b. I don’t think so, but my boyfriend uses the pullout method and he’s 18.
c. I’m single and have been in quarantine for eight months. Ask me again if that’s a possibility.
Mostly A’s, B’s, or C’s: Because a person’s life and livelihood largely depended on the testimony of middle school-aged girls, if you didn’t die during the Salem Witch trials, I suspect you may have wanted to. Tell me I’m wrong, anyone who went to middle school.