On My Plan To Burn My Neighbor’s Campaign Signs: I’ve Thought This Through

After a lot of consideration, and a brief conversation with a lawyer, I’ve come to the conclusion that being arrested for stealing campaign signs from the lawns of my neighbors would probably be a stupid thing to do time for. I probably wouldn’t get much respect in the clink.

Would it feel good at the time? Sure. Of course it would. It’d feel amazing, like an adrenaline shot. But being arrested for collecting wooden and cardboard signs with this moron’s name on them just to have a glorious bonfire with sparks flying up to the heavens isn’t worth the risk. I mean, it’s not, right?

Having an arrest on your record is bad. I know that much from watching Orange is the New Black. It’s harder to find jobs, get loans, rent cars, etc. A clean record is much preferable. And if I jeopardize having one just because seeing some dickwad’s name on a board irritates me, it’d be idiotic, don’t you think? Like how little control do I have over my emotions?

But really, I almost think such a measly little thing shouldn’t even be illegal. It’s not like I’m going around throwing live grenades into the windows of all the uneducated assholes that have this halfwit’s name in their yard. I’m not crazy. Besides, I don’t even know how to get grenades.

When I stop and think about it, it seems a little weird that just reading or hearing a person’s name could upset me so much. He’s a widely accepted dick but some people think he’s the bee’s knees for some reason. I guess that’s what makes it so aggravating. Even still, it’s surely not worth getting all worked up over, right?

I know that we should always take the high road and strive to be calm and rational. Of course we should. I mean, it’s a well-known fact that the path of goodness and righteousness always wins out in the end, isn’t it? We just need to be patient and stay the course. God damn it.

Having said all this, and fully understanding the legal ramifications, I’ve decided to still go ahead with my original plan. After it gets dark I’m going to drive around my southern New Jersey neighborhood stealing every sign with the douchebag’s name on it. I’ve mapped out where they all are. There are eighteen in total and they’ll burn quite nicely. I’ve been fantasizing about the bonfire I’ll have for days and it’s just something that has got to be done. Otherwise I won’t be able to concentrate. I won’t be able to rest.

Yes, tonight’s the night that I take matters into my own hands and finally become involved in the political sphere. I hope I don’t get caught, but if I do, I’ll campaign for goodness and righteousness from the inside of whatever penal colony I wind up in.

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