The high-cut bang
Your greatest achievement was ranking third in your graduating class. You’re likely to corner someone at a party, barking that you can’t believe they’ve never read Catcher and the Rye. You’re eager to interrupt a conversation to show off your vocabulary with words you use incorrectly. Halfway through the party, you’ll hijack the playlist to show off your *incredible* taste in music. “I was a big fan of Coldplay before they went mainstream. Ever listened to their Parachutes album? No? I’m not surprised.”
The curtain bang
Typically very quiet and unsuspecting, people confuse your bitchiness for quirkiness, like when you refused to put your card in at dinner because you “only ordered a salad.” Everyone will laugh and say, “You’re so funny. But seriously, put your fucking card in.” These bangs are long enough to hide your resting bitch face, but short enough to show off your new glasses (and you can’t be mean if you’re wearing glasses).
The blunt bang
Named either Rachel or Michelle, you definitely cyberbullied someone in seventh grade. Now you’re a nurse, trying to put your bitchy days behind you. Unfortunately, taking blood from the elderly can’t erase the time you catfished your ex-best friend senior year. You always have a backhanded compliment at the ready, prepared to use it on those who dare look hotter than you. “You’re really brave to wear that top. No, you look great. It’s just, I would never be able to wear that if I had your body shape.”
The side bang
You wear heels to the airport, refuse to eat solid foods, and are quick to tell people about the time you almost hooked up with a guy who looked like Adam Brody. Your bitchiness manifests itself the moment you step outside, and really shines during a night out. Applebee’s is your stomping ground, and you have no reservations about complaining that the restaurant is too cold and demanding they move you to a new table. Your friends are embarrassed by your behavior, but secretly wish they had the balls to snap at the bartender for adding too much mint.
The birkin bang
More commonly known as the “frenemy,” you’re the toxic friend Women’s Health warns you about. You promise your friend you’ll keep an eye on her boyfriend when she can’t make the party, but will try to convince him to leave her after taking Jell-O shots from his taint. Despite your unforgivable behavior, your friends put up with your shit because you can get them into any club by pretending to be Khloe Kardashian’s publicist.
The feathered bang
You offer your opinion, despite never being asked for one. You say you’re “just being honest” when you tell your friend her arms look bigger since the last time you saw her. You comment on her Instagram, letting her know her filter choice makes her look like Alan Rickman in Sweeney Todd. When you’re called out for being a massive bitch, you shoot back with an insult, later claiming it was, “wrong of me to say, but you know it’s true.”
If you don’t have bangs, but you related to any of the above-mentioned descriptions, congratulations, you’re just a bitch on your own.