The bride wore a powder blue Snuggie® of polyester fleece
Melanie Ann Little and Walker Samuel Franklin were married October 10 in the living room of the bride and groom’s apartment in Scranton, Ohio. The couple had planned to marry on July 11 at the Pocono Casino Resort with 250 guests until the pandemic ripped their lives apart and poured flaming gasoline over their perfect wedding dreams.
The ceremony was held at half past four in the afternoon to accommodate the couples’ request to start cocktail hour promptly at five. Duke ‘Little Dookie’ Little, the bride’s brother, a surfer and online ordained minister, performed the ceremony via Zoom while riding rad barrels in Wailea, Hawaii.
The bride wore a powder blue Snuggie® of polyester fleece, hooded and belted as a statement on the apocalypse. The gown was accentuated with a necklace and earrings the bride made out of empty wine bottle corks. The bride’s shoes were Ivey booties in a metallic woven fabric by Stuart Weitzman, borrowed from her BFF without her knowledge, and which hadn’t been returned due to lockdown. The bride stated this shouldn’t be a BFD because the BFF doesn’t need her shoes right away as no one is going to bars or parties.
The bride was attended as Maid of Honor by her cat, Boots, wearing a disgusted expression. The Best Man was the groom’s dog, Dodger, who mistook the bride’s Pendleton-inspired blanket cape as a tug-of-war toy.
The guests were limited to the bride’s roommate, even though she took advantage of a lockdown argument to sleep with the groom and never changes the filter in the Britta, that bitch, and the apartment maintenance man, who was in the apartment cleaning out the clog in the shower drain.
Both guests were given sweet welcome boxes which included face shields and masks engraved with the bride and grooms’ names; hydroxychloroquine samples from a pharmacy in Tijuana; and Kombucha-inspired hand sanitizer prepared in a tub and fermented in the bride and grooms’ master bedroom closet.
A reception immediately followed in the couples’ kitchen where, in keeping with the current trend for sustainable weddings, guests snacked on the bride’s bouquet, homemade stale sourdough bread and whatever the couple had in leftover take-out containers. The bride’s roommate caught the bouquet, which was hurled at her in a festive pique after the roommate shared with those on Zoom that, after the aforementioned ‘argument’, the bride hooked-up with the Amazon delivery man in the building’s foyer.
While Boots made a notable display of licking her butt, the bride and groom cut the cheese, rather than the conventional cake: a wheel of Beemster X.O. Extra-Aged gouda they had bought from Whole Foods months earlier when they were still thinking their dreams would all come true.
The new Mrs. Franklin, 34, is a graduate of Penn State University and a first grade teacher at Lincoln Elementary, currently Zooming classes from her kitchen counter top. She is the daughter of Susan B. Little, of Apt. 2B, just below the bridal couple, and Mr. Howard L. Little, a former check kiter, currently in lockdown at Lackawanna County Prison.
Mr. Franklin, 36, also a Penn State graduate, but just barely, is self-employed and working from the bedroom. He is the son of Dr. John I. Franklin and Eleanor S. Franklin, who are holed up in a bunker, whereabouts unknown.
The bride and groom had planned to honeymoon in Wailea with the bride’s brother until he was eaten by a shark shortly after the nuptials. The couple are now honeymooning in ‘Costa Courtyardo,’ and plan to make their permanent home anywhere else as soon as this pandemic is over.