I’m The Nervous Turkey At Your Virtual Costume Party

Oh, hey! Hi! How’s it going? Looks like you and I are the first ones on here. Early bird catches the gummy worm, am I right? HA!

Can you believe…oh sorry. Go ahead. I didn’t mean to speak over you. Oh, I was just going to say I can’t believe October’s almost over already. Did you know it’s also Vegetarian Awareness Month? No? Oh that’s too bad. I mean, not bad bad. You know what I mean.

I like your costume. Is that a second head growing out of your neck? I saw the theme was zombie apocalypse but I don’t eat meat so this seemed more fitting for me. Can you guess what I’m dressed as? Well, you’re half right. I’m actually Greta Thunberg dressed as a turkey. I like to think if I were on the White House lawn, the president would pardon me. I mean probably not this current president, but any other president, I like to think that they would pardon me.

Oh, yay! More people are signing on now! Hey, Mason. I like your Halloween background. Is that a full moon to remind us that November is upon us? You must be excited for Thanksgiving too. Only, I’d say my excitement has a vague sense of impending doom attached to it. Almost like a tightness in my neck, you know?

Hey, what’s your favorite scary movie? Mine is Food, Inc. I have it on right now, if you want me to turn it up. I also made a playlist. I could put that on instead, if you prefer. It’s got a spooky remix of Choppin Broccoli on there. And the infamous In the Arms of an Angel by Sarah McLachlan for a darker twist. No takers?

Well, then. May the virtual trick or treating begin! I just sent you all a coupon for tofurkey. I also have recipes for all kinds of festive treats, if you’re interested. Carrot muffins. Soggy beets. And for those meat lovers, I’ve got eggplant, which can have some real texture to it depending on how you cook it. I personally can’t eat anything that has a mom. Like I wouldn’t eat you, even if I were a zombie. I mean, if it has a face, which you do, I just can’t eat it.

So…what are all your plans now that Halloween is almost over? You wanna have me over for dinner? We could get basted! Just kidding. I mean, I am large, flightless and delicious. But that doesn’t mean you should eat me. Plus, I’m packed with tryptophan. Talk about a snoozer of a party. Which reminds me! Is anyone else planning a delicious feast of nuts, berries and tree bark, molded into a meatloaf? No? Just me?

Hey, who wants to hear a scary story? It was a small town in Oklahoma where a little girl had a very best friend, a turkey named Bubbles. She and Bubbles spent every waking hour together. Until one day, Bubbles was nowhere to be found. The day turned to darkness and the girl’s mother called her in for dinner. The table was set with all her favorites. Mac and cheese, peas and a delicious white meat. She never saw Bubbles again. The end.

What? Too spooky? Okay, here’s another one. One rainy day, two teens parked their car at Make Out Point on the outskirts of town. After a little canoodling, they looked each other dead in the eyes and made a pact, to be vegetarians for life. A week later, she caught him eating chicken wings in secret. True story.

Are anyone else’s palms sweating? I feel like I can’t breathe. Am I talking too much? How come no one else is saying anything? Is my Zoom frozen again? You’re not faking it, are you? Like last time when everyone sat real still and pretended their screens were frozen but they really weren’t? You know what? I’m just gonna sign off and sign back on. Don’t drop off like you all did last time. There’s so much more to talk about. Til then, gobble gobble.

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